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To be honest with you, my Oscar picks last year….sucked. I got Best Picture, Director, Supporting Actor and Adapted Screenplay right, but absolutely tanked the other categories. As an honest-to-god awards show junkie, it was a truly embarassing event. This year, there’s cold, hard, cash on the line as I’ve entered an Oscars pool — so I have to step up my game, y’all.

I’ve seen almost every film, though I may once again be making my best actor pick blind (I’m picking Jeff Bridges, and then seeing “Crazy Heart” later today; if I see it and hate it, me and The Dude are going to have some words). On to the picks!

Best Picture

Should Win: The Hurt Locker
Will Win: Avatar

The Hurt Locker was hands down the best film of the year, and I have seen 9 of the 10 nominees, it’s definitely the best of the bunch. The problem is that “spectacle” movies like Avatar make tons of money, get tons of attention, and pretty much ride that wave to a Best Picture win despite being, when you think about it, nothing but popcorn movies. (See: Gladiator, Titanic, Lord of the Rings). I occasionally support Popcorn wins; I thought Braveheart earned its win, and even Titanic. But this year? No. Just no. Avatar was boring as hell, 30 minutes too long, and in the words of Simon Cowell, painfully self indulgent. Plus, Cameron is the official King of the World Jerks.

Still, sadly, it will likely win.

Best Director

Should Win: Kathryn Bigelow
Will Win: Kathryn Bigelow

There’s no way she doesn’t win. Aside from doing an amazing job with the film, they’re going to give her this award to make up for her movie getting the shaft in the Best Picture race. Sometimes the Academy tries to be “fair” that way; like how they gave Russell Crowe an absolutely laughable Best Actor win for Gladiator to make up for him getting completely robbed of his deserved win for The Insider (have you ever seen that movie? It’s amazing; go get it on DVD, for real). Anyhow, she’s going to win, take it to the bank.

Best Actress

Should Win: Carey Mulligan
Will Win: Meryl Streep

I picked Meryl to upset the frontrunner (Kate Winslet) last year, and I was totally wrong. So this year, I’m hoping for her to upset again, this time overtaking Sandra Bullock. I loved The Blind Side. But awarding Sandra for playing a brassy Southern Belle would be like giving Vince Vaughn an Oscar for his 18th performance as a “wisecracking man child with a heart of gold.” I’d like to hope that Gabourey Sidibe could pull off the upset too, because she just seems so damn likable and how often is a 300 pound black woman going to have a shot at a Best Actress Oscar? But her performance wasn’t as special as some would have you believe, and the Academy is already going to hit their Plus Sized Black Woman Oscar Winner quotient by giving Supporting Actress to Mo’Nique.

Speaking of….

Best Supporting Actress

Should Win: Mo’Nique
Will Win: Mo’Nique

This win is the only slam dunk pick of the bunch. There’s basically no way she’s not getting it, and she was great in the movie. And I love that she talks honestly about how she doesn’t shave her legs and has an open marriage. She’s great. I loved Anna Kendrick in Up in the Air, so I’d almost like to see her upset if an upset is going to happen, but it probably won’t.

Best Actor

Should Win: Colin Firth
Will Win: Jeff Bridges

As I said, I’m seeing Crazy Heart later today; but I’m basing my Colin Firth pick on the films I’ve seen thus far. He was so great in A Single Man, even if Tom Ford’s overly stylized and obvious direction made me want to puke, and Julianne Moore tried way, way too hard throughout her shrieky performance. However, from everything I’m reading, it looks like The Dude is going to make this happen. But that’s just like, my opinion, man.

Best Supporting Actor

Should Win: Christoph Waltz
Will Win: Christoph Waltz

I forgot when pronouncing Mo’Nique the only slam dunk win that I was wrong–this is another slam dunk. And good for him, Hans Landa might be my favorite Tarantino villain since Mr. Blonde. Evil, suave, insanely intelligent, and rocking not only a badass full-length leather trench, but a giant Sherlock Holmes pipe. Love him.

Best Original Screenplay

Should Win: Inglourious Basterds
Will Win: The Hurt Locker

Tarantino won for Pulp Fiction’s screenplay in 1995, and I think the script for Inglourious Basterds blows it out of the water. Unfortunately, The Hurt Locker is going to get the nod here — as another make-up award for screwing it out of Best Picture.

Best Adapted Screenplay

Should Win: Up in the Air
Will Win: Up in the Air

I’d like to call a possible upset for An Education, but it faces the same problem that Carey Mulligan does in that not enough people saw it. Too bad, but I think Up in the Air will take this one home, and it was indeed a great script and a good movie, so I’m satisfied with it.

Best Animated Feature

Should Win: Up
Will Win: Up

Ok, this movie made me weep real tears in the FIRST TEN MINUTES. It was so, so, good. Also: Talking Dog.

(Squirell!)

Also give this a big thumbs up for being the first animated film since my fave, Beauty in the Beast, to get the Best Picture nod.

That’s it! No live blog for the Oscars this year, as I’m attending a party to watch it with other actual humans. But you can entertain yourself with last year’s live blog, which has my favorite title I’ve ever given a post.

Here’s hoping I leave the party 20 whole dollars richer. Wahoo!

Fact #1: I absolutely love to swim.

Fact #2: My incredibly ill-advised stab at becoming a runner last year has left me with a bum foot. I’m actually not really sure what’s wrong with it, which is shocking since I am a certified WebMD. Maybe a stress fracture? Maybe lingering plantar fascitis? Who knows. I can has x-ray?

Fact #3: I still want to exercise–hence? Deep water aerobics!

It’s supposed to be an amazing workout.

…..

It’s reeeeeally not. Certain parts are tough, especially the arm work with the foam rubber underwater weights, that’s the only part of class where I get out of breath. Sadly those sections only last for about the first 20 minutes, then the rest of the hour-long class is taken up by ridiculousness. Like underwater “crunches.”

Note to all water aerobics instructors: You’re on the side of the pool shouting instructions, NOT IN THE WATER. So when you’re suggesting I do this killer ab move…well it’s just really not hard to do when you’re underwater with a flotation belt on and clinging to a flotation noodle. What IS hard is trying to not swallow public pool water (mmmm, urine!) and drown while thrashing around like a damn marlin.

Why the thrashing, you ask? Oh that would be from attempting to do squats while balancing with a noodle under each foot. Squats on dry land? Incredibly effective, and an incredibly simple movement to perform. Underwater squats on noodles?  Incredibly ineffective, and insanely difficult to execute without getting a foot cramp or dinged in the back of the head from the noodle flying out from under the old lady behind you.

(Insert noodle jokes here.)

(That’s what she said.)

You know that dread in the pit of your stomach you feel whenever you get the dreaded Facebook alert email? “So and So has tagged you in 6 horrible awful hideous fat ugly pictures!”

Take that feeling and multiply it by fifty, and you’ll know what it’s like to date my boyfriend. His inexplicable love for some of the worst photos of me ever on record defies all laws of attraction. If I were him, and I uploaded all those pictures to Facebook, I’d go out of my way to not point out to the world that the ones appearing to be of Jabba the Hut’s less attractive twin sister are actually of my significant other.

Exhibit A:

Seriously, what is wrong with him? He put this on Facebook and tagged it, as ME.

I mean, seriously, I could not hit de-tag fast enough. Granted, I am now claiming the picture as my own by placing it on my blog for the world all three of my readers to see, but I had to prove my point here. Hopefully this public plea will prevent any of these photos from making their way online again. He can just frame them and display them in our home like some sort of god-awful temple full of Rosie O’Donnell look alikes.

I kid, I kid!

I’ve been meaning to write this post since last week. Perhaps I’ve been putting it off because my denial over the upcoming end of the best show on TV is pretty deep at this point.

That being said, some thoughts (if you haven’t seen the season premiere, this has spoilers for it):

- First off, if you’re not reading Jeff Jensen’s weekly recaps, you are doing yourself a grave disservice. I don’t know what he knows about anything else, but when it comes to LOST, he’s my own personal Einstein.

- Same goes for Jorge Garcia’s blog. Hurley is one of my favorites, and the actor who portrays him is equally awesome. He doesn’t actually discuss LOST that much, but it’s still a worthy read.

- I like to think that (some missteps aside) (Paolo and Nicki anyone?) the writers don’t do anything without a good reason. Which is the only thing I can think of to explain why, after the incredible finale last year when Juliet got sucked into the hatch and we all cried (or blubbered for about half an hour after the show ended, if you’re a loser like me), they would bother bringing her along back to 2007 with the other Lostaways only to die all over again. She had a perfect death scene, dare I say epic!

So, the only thing I can think of is that gibberish Juliet babbled at Sawyer (”lets get coffee sometime, we could go Dutch”) before finally kicking it will come back into play. THEORY ALERT! Maybe they re-meet in the alternate universe she created by setting off the bomb, and fall in love all over again. Personally, while I know many people are tickled by this theory, I think it’s a bunch of bullcrap. Because….

- If the alternate reality ends up being the final story (ie, that everyone on the island dies or something and ends up living the alternate life), I will basically firebomb ABC. As we’ve learned in just the first episode, there are many things that are quite different about this reality. Frankly, if we’re going by a “butterfly effect” thing here, where this alternate universe where the plane never crashed isn’t quite the same (notable differences include: Sayid being from Iran (?), Shannon not being on the plane, Desmond being on the plane, Charlie’s suicide attempt, Hurley being “lucky”, Sun (maybe) not speaking English), that means that these aren’t the characters we’ve invested years in rooting for. I don’t care about them. It was nice to see Boone again (mainly because he is smoking hot), but I could honestly give a crap–in my eyes, Boone died back in season one. And will the alternate reality give us updates on Libby, Mr. Eko, and Ana Lucia–or are we just supposed to forget about them?

- The Temple is totally unnecessary. Oh, I see, there obviously wasn’t enough freaky shit going on, we need to add an entire new layer and an entire new slew of “Others” into the mix. And oh, just to be original, we will have them dress funny and act mysterious and refuse to answer questions even though Jack and the gang are finally actually asking questions after five seasons of just accepting things at face value. Totally unnecessary.

- Dead!Juliet couldn’t have elaborated to Miles a little more? He seemed to have full convos with the dead in the past, yet all she gave him was “It worked”? It seems that his talent is only as limited as the writers need it to be for script purposes.

Don’t worry, there were some things I loved:

- Fake Locke (aka The Man in Black) revealed as Smokey. Phenomenal.

- Explanation of the ash that we’ve previously seen surrounding Jacob’s cabin: it acts as some sort of shield against Smokey. So was the smoke monster trapped inside the cabin, or did Jacob really “live” there and use it to keep him out? We assume Jacob knows about the ash, because he told Bram about its use (leaving out the fact that Smokey can sumo you out of your little protective ash circle with a boulder and impale you on a handy spike, RIP Bram)…what is it? How does it play into Smokey’s mechanics?

- Solid reveal that Hurley, like Miles, really can talk to the dead. He also does Miles better by showing he can see them as well. So, now we know that Charlie visiting him in the mental institution after he left the island was for real, along with, perhaps, some of his other hallucinations over the years. But it of course leads to more questions—why can’t he see everyone? Lots of people have died on the island…why doesn’t he see everyone?

Other questions:

- Is Claire still pregnant in the alternate reality?

- Is Sayid really alive or is he now a new Fake Locke? We know that Fake Locke was really Smokey the whole time, and Locke’s corpse remained in the coffin, so posession of a dead body doesn’t seem to be his MO. Did the dirty water just have a delayed reaction? Is he Jacob reincarnated?

- Does Rose still have cancer in alternate reality? Because that would be a BUMMER.

- Speaking of Rose, did her and Bernard also shift out of 1977 and into 2007 with the others when the bomb went off? If so, where are they? I’ll bet they are going to be pissed that Jack ruined their “retirement” without asking them. What a douche he can be.

- Now that they are in the same year, when will Jin and Sun be reuinited?? For christ’s sake, I sat through all of season 5 with them apart, let’s have something good happen, okay?

- Was Richard a slave on Black Rock?

Questions from Over the Years that I Want Answered Before We Wrap this Thing Up:

- What’s the deal with the “virus” and the “quarantine” and all those numbers-marked injections Desmond used to take?

- How does Smokey show you images from your life? What’s that clicking sound he makes? Can he only “appear” as dead people?

- What was with the polar bear experiments?

- Did they ever explain why The Others kidnapped the children? What were the “tests” they did on Walt?

- Speaking of Walt, what was the deal with him projecting himself into spots on the island? And the creepy talking backwards business?

- Who really killed Sayid’s wife? Who were the men Ben had him assassinating?

- What was with the “sickness” that overcame people on the freighter and caused them to go crazy?

For more nagging questions, please view this epic video. This stuff will make your head spin after a while so I’ve got to end it here. Share your own LOST thoughts in the comments, especially after tonight’s episode!

In the interests of firing up the old blog engine again after my usually scheduled four week break (which I take once every two weeks–blogging is hard work you guys), I am pulling a topic from the illustrious (in both esteem and hair) Meg Fowler. Nothing gets the writing juices flowing like a good old fashioned peeve-a-thon!

Therefore, here are Six Things That Will Always Annoy Me.

1) Incompetent Starbucks Baristas – I am not a person who berates those who work in the food service industry. My boyfriend works in this industry. My sister works in this industry. I almost always leave a 20% tip regardless of service at restaurants, becuase a) it’s easy math (math is hard!), and b) I don’t punish people financially for having a bad day or being grumpy and/or forgetful. If I myself were punished financially for grumpiness and forgetfulness, I’d be destitute.

(Here comes the but!) BUT–what’s up, Starbucks baristas??? It’s a Venti. Skim. Misto. Sugar-free caramel. And yet?

“Can I get a venti skim Misto with sugar-free caramel?”
“Sure. Calling bar! I need a venti Misto with vanilla!”
“Uh, no, it’s a SKIM, and that’s sugar-free caramel.”
“Oh whoops–Make that skim! And make it sugar-free vanilla!”
“NO. CARAMEL.”
“Caramel!”
“Sugar Free! Sugar Free Caramel!!!!!”

And even after all that they still hand me my finished drink without the caramel 3 times out of 5.

(Dunkin on the other hand, is right every time. *wistful sigh*)

2) Skinny People Who Complain About Their Weight – This one is tough, because some of my  best friends are Skinny People Who Complain About Their Weight. And yes, here is my obligatory admission that everyone from size 0 to size 300 will feel crappy about the way their butt looks in a particular pair of pants at some point in their lives. But for the most part? Cram it, Skinny People Who Complain About Their Weight! I think what bothers me most about this peeve is the silent understanding between me and the Skinny Person Complaining About Their Weight that if they woke up one day and looked like me, they would probably not even leave the house, except maybe to throw themselves in front of traffic. I just never really know what to say, so I usually go with the silent fume.

3) Message Boards – I got flamed for the first time last week, and I still can’t believe it took me 15 years of being online for this to happen. Long story short, I raised the ire of a regular commenter on the board I was posting on, and it resulted in a day-long event in which everyone thereafter posted HUNDREDS of comments questioning my moral fiber, level of attractiveness, intelligence, maturity, ability to read, and potential for finding a life mate. In short, message boards are, anthropologically speaking, bat$h!t CRAZY places. They are generally self-ruled by gangs of “regulars.” These regulars apparently don’t have jobs, because all they do all day long is post to their message board of choice. If you are new to the board and say something they don’t like, they will insult, taunt, and bully you endlessly. Trying to defend yourself only makes it worse; the only way out of it is to relent and admit they are your master, or post a final angry message about how you are taking your ball and going home. The second option is potentially more infuriating, because you will inevitably go back to this message board and wait for the flood of responses begging you not to leave and apologizing for how bat$h!t crazy the regular posters are, but you will instead be met with the Internet equivalent of that “Na-na-na-na hey hey hey good bye!” song. It stings. Avoid these places like the plague.

4) Reading Over My Shoulder – The easiest way to send me flying irrationally off the handle? Read over my shoulder, or ask me what I’m reading. Poor Chef Jon is obviously the most common victim of this one, as he can never help but ask me what I’m reading when I’m sitting with my laptop.

“Whatcha reading???”
“A blog.”
“What blog?”
“It’s a review of that movie we saw.”
“Oh, what are they saying?”
“OMFG LEAVE ME ALONE!”

And then he gets all hurt. I’m not saying it’s reasonable to yell at someone for this infraction. Nor is it necessarily polite to sit on your laptop and ignore your boyfriend when he’s at your house. I never said these peeves were rational, people! But damn. If I’m reading something, just let me be. Then maybe in the car later, “Hey have you read anything interesting lately? Can you recommend a funny blog?” Then I will be nice, because I am not being interrupted. Simple!

5) People Who Put You On The Phone With Their Children – This is self explanatory (one would think). Also, people who post photos of their kids as their Facebook picture. Yes, I’m an evil witch who eats babies for breakfast. But like I said, not all of these peeves are rational. It’s like people who hate Christmas. HOW CAN YOU HATE CHRISTMAS!? I exclaim. But they can’t explain it, they just do. That’s how I feel about Facebook profile photos of your admittedly cute baby. I’m sorry, really.

6) Sanctimonious Vegetarians/Workout Addicts/Ex-Smokers -

“I don’t understand how people can eat that! I don’t put anything into my body that wasn’t grown in the turd pile in my backyard. And can I just tell you how great I feel? And you should see my poop! Before I put it into my turd garden, I always check it thoroughly to make sure I’m digesting properly. And can I just tell you, do not get that generic brand of the pro-biotic poo-yogurt, only Pay$$$WhenYouAlreadyPooForFree! Yogurt will work. And ever since I gave up smoking and started 5am spinning and yoga every day, I am just so energetic! And did I tell you we got rid of our TV? We’re all just so much happier.”

“I’m sorry, I didn’t hear you. I was distracted by the ‘Real World’ marathon that’s on and this ginormous bag of cheez-its. Also, can we talk later? I’m out of cigs. Byeee!”

(See last year’s Merry Ch(aos)ristmas!)

“No, don’t buy that, it needs to be Blu-Ray.”
“What’s a Blu Ray?”
“I don’t actually know, I just know that’s what we need.”
“Well I don’t get why, when it’s right here.”
“No, that’s a DVD!”
“I just don’t–”
“You can play Blu Rays on a DVD, you just can’t play DVDs on a Blu Ray. Wait, is that right?”
“Let’s just get a gift card.”

“Why are you adding corn starch to that?”
“Because it’s in the recipe, silly.”
“Yeah but you really should have added the milk first.”
“I’m doing it this way.”
“You really should add the milk.”
“I’m going to add the milk to your FACE in about–”

“Oooh, yum, good dip!”
“DIP!?!?”
“Oh, hush you–”
“No. There is no DIP coming into this house.”
“It’s clam dip! Mmm—”
“NO.”
“You really need to get over this dip issue of yours.”
“NO. NO DIP!!!”
(For reference, this feud between my aunt and father over the proper amount of dip to serve at the holidays has been going on, I’m not even joking, for decades. Her dip is really good though, so she always wins.)

“This bread is frozen.”
“Yeah, it’s easier to make them that way.”
“Yeah but if it’s frozen why does it have mold on it?”
“It doesn’t!”
“Oh, ok so bread is SUPPOSED to have blue spots.”
“OH, that’s not the frozen bread that’s the bread I used to make Grammie and Grandpa’s sandwiches.”
“Uhh….”
“What?….Oh. Ooops.”

If you live on the East Coast, or own a TV, you might know that my neck of the woods has gotten blasted in the last couple days with about ten thousand tons of snow. Here are just a few things I’ve learned in the last 48 hours:

Lesson #1: Sometimes, the Crazy Grocery Store People Are Right
My fellow New Englanders and I enjoy mocking all the crazed DC french toast enthusiasts who relieve the Harris Teeter of its entire egg/milk/bread supply in the 24 hours before even the slightest flurry. But seeing as how I was trapped in my boyfriend’s apartment for 36 hours this weekend with no hope of rescue, it turns out the crazies might have a point. Lucky for me, said boyfriend is a chef. There was plenty of food. But imagine if there weren’t!!! I mean, what would I have done about my boredom eating?

Lesson #2: Uggs Are NOT Snow Boots
Uggs are many things. Comfy, warm, remarkably unattractive, worn frequently by teenagers with their miniskirts on the hottest day of summer in an effort to enrage me. They are also $150. What they are NOT? Is snow boots. Trust.

Lesson #3: Snow Only Covers Poo, It Does Not Vaporize It
No one, and I mean no one, cleans up their dog’s crap when they walk it in the snow. Is that some sort of unspoken pet owner code? Like, “well, we have to walk these nasty mongrels in a damn blizzard, so no way am I picking up any poops. Just no.”

Lesson #4: Booze Can Solve All Your Problems
The snow wouldn’t stop for several more hours, but things really warmed up in our house when I remembered about that full bottle of Jack Daniels in the liquor cabinet.

Lesson #5: SUVs Don’t Mean ANYTHING
People who drive SUVs are some of the biggest idiots you’ll ever meet. As a reasonable, sensible, intelligent person, I think “well 4 wheel drive would be nice, but it sure won’t help me in a damn blizzard with five-foot snow drifts.” An SUV driver on the other hand, will say “Bizzard? WHAT blizzard? I can drive 90 mph la la la, four wheel drive, la la laaaa!” (crash)

Lesson #6: Putting Your Windshield Wipers Up In the Air Really Doesn’t Make a Difference Sometimes

Unlike last Christmas, I am crazy, chockerblock, shoot mistletoe up your butt til it comes out your ears, full of holiday spirit this year. Maybe I’m just in a better mood this year than last. Maybe it’s because I am not single at present and won’t have to get any “oh well I’m sure you’ll meet someone who enjoys corpulent, sarcastic misanthropes eventually, Sarah” remarks from family members. Maybe it’s a sugar-cookie induced psychotic episode. But I am psyched, just psyched, for Christmas.

I decorated the apartment. I’ve been burning smelly, pine-scented, candles. I’ve even been contemplating getting Christmas outfits for the kitties.

Okay, maybe not.

Regardless, I love Christmas. I’m going to force my boyfriend to watch “Elf” with me on Friday night, as (blasphemy!) he’s never seen it. I assume he’s next going to tell me that he hates freedom, cupcakes, freedom cupcakes, and everything else in the world that is awesome.

Speaking of “Elf,” let’s do a list!

Top Ten Favorite Holiday Movies That Aren’t “A Christmas Story”

(You love “A Christmas Story”, I love “A Christmas Story”. We ALL love it. Let’s see if we can do this list without it, shall we?)

10) Babes in Toyland – There have been several versions, I believe. But this 1986 version with Drew Barrymore, Keanu Reeves, and Mr. Miyagi as the Toymaster? Tour de force on all counts, and VERY 80s. Not convinced? There’s an entire song in it all about the awesomeness of….Cincinnati.

9) “The Family Stone” – I am surprised by how much I enjoy this movie. I don’t really like Sarah Jessica Parker, and she’s the main character. They don’t give Rachel McAdams nearly enough screen time or bitchy remarks at SJP’s expense, and Luke Wilson is sorely underserved by the script (though does have a spectacular moment in which he is clearly going commando in his sweatpants). To say nothing of the involvement of the truly vile Dermot Mulroney, who will forever encapsulate the “douche that women fight over in movies even though he is not even worth the nailpolish they will chip during the catfight for his affections”. And yet? I freaking LOVE this movie. It’s just so Christmasy! And it makes you cry! And the DVD has a recipe for a delicious sounding quichey thing they make in the movie that ends up splattering all over everyone! It’s just really good. Plus I liked the poster–hehe.

8. “A Muppet Christmas Carol” – Um, hello? Statler and Waldorf as Marley? Genius.

7) Speaking of takes on “A Christmas Carol,” – “Scrooged” – This movie was made before the Bill Murray renaissance of the last few years, in which he has Vince Vaughned himself into the “playing the same role in every movie” mold so much that I’m almost experiencing a personal Bill Murray backlash. But when in doubt, I can always consult “Scrooged.” Classic!

6) “Gremlins” – No one ever thinks of this as a holiday movie! Everyone forgets that Gizmo started out as the world’s best Christmas present! You know, before the whole water thing resulting in Gremlins springing out of his back and trying to eat everyone. And you should love this movie based on the sequel alone, which stands as one of the most underrated sequels in movie history, and the first since “Godfather II” that honestly blows the original out of the water.

5) “Bad Santa” – Not even the sight of Lorelai Gilmore as a woman with a Santa fetish can diminish my love for this movie. Not even Billy Bob Thornton torturing some poor radio host interviewing his band and comparing himself to Tom Petty (snerk) can diminish it. It’s just that good.

4) “Love Actually” – I watch this movie approximately 5 to 7 times per Christmas season. This season I made my mom watch it with me, and even her repeated inquiries as to who was who, who was with whom, and whether Hugh Grant was the prime minister or Emma Thompson’s husband (repeated, repeated inquiries) couldn’t spoil it for me. That’s how it cracked the top five.

3) “It’s a Wonderful Life” – I know, I know. (No seriously, I know.) But despite all my sister’s repeated claims that I am a stone-hearted Grinch without a soul, this movie makes me weep every time. I’m powerless against it. I get choked up thinking about it, so we’d better move on before it gets dusty in here.

2) “National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation” speaks for itself with the cord-chewing wrapped up cat exploding.

1) “Elf” – “Did you HEAR that?”

Here I am, wrapped in a Snuggie because my heat is apparently broken, innocently watching “60 Minutes” because I was interested in the segment on famous shipwrecks (hey, I’ve been a Titanic junkie since I spent all of 1998 swooning over Leo with the rest of the 18 year olds) (okay, 14 year olds), and suddenly, I see this:

Watch CBS Videos Online

Transcript becuase the embed video apparently isn’t working (emphasis mine): “Want to do something special for your woman this Christmas? Call her doctor and schedule her pap smear. Pap smears save lives. This Christmas impress her–give her the gift that even Santa can’t deliver.” (Background: “Ho, ho, ho!”)

YIKES. I honestly rewound three times and watched it over and over, waiting for Kristen Wig to come into the frame and prove that this was some sort of SNL promo bonus skit….on CBS. YIKES. Even worse? At the next commercial break, I saw this:

Watch CBS Videos Online

Transcript (emphasis mine): “Want to do something special for your woman this Hannukah? Schedule her pap smear! Just a “schmear” could save her life. Light up her menorah with the gift that says, ‘you look great, but it’s what’s inside that counts!’”

I’m sorry…did they really just compare a vaginal exam to…cream cheese?

Why yes, as a matter of fact they did.

Quick poll: What’s the worse holiday gift, a pap smear or the dog Snuggie? (h/t Momsey)

Seven Items From The Last Month While Y’all Have Been Whining About My Absence:

1) Vacation in Cancun that sucked so bad it was almost comical. It rained every day. All day. No kidding. And when it wasn’t raining, it was cold (no kidding) and windy (hello, Hurrican Ida…’sup?). I dealt with it by reading. And drinking relaxing. Here is the obligatory cartoon.

(Note my lack of tan. Thanks for the memories, Cancun!)

2) Do you ever feel a little ashamed when you see something in the Sky Mall that you would SO TOTALLY BUY? For example, the brownie pan that makes the whole batch turn out like the chewy edges! Omg, WANT.

3) Luckily, the next thing I saw was this. You heat them up in the microwave. Stressed out? Just throw your adorable pet husky into the microwave, and then wrap its hot, limp corpse around your neck and shoulders. Who needs a spa??

4) Facebook Relationship Ad Advice Update: Last time, Facebook had me stalking my boyfriend to ensure fidelity. A couple weeks ago, I seemed to have moved past the Needy Stalker phase and into the Pressuring for a Ring phase. Thanks, Facebook–without you, how would I know how my relationship was progressing?

5) Two Random 90’s Movie Reviews: Every time I watch “The Parent Trap”, I think two things: one, that Lindsay Lohan was a truly adorable, talented kid, which is so sad considering.

Cocaine's a helluva drug, y'all.

And second, the whole plot of this film hinges on the notion that two parents, finding themselves unable to get along, would simply split up their infant twin daughters in a semi-King Solomon style, and abandon them to the other for life. This scenario is accepted as pretty much totally fine by just about everyone, including the twins in question even after they discover they’ve been denied both a sibling and a parent (to say nothing of grandparents, etc.) for their entire lives. WTF, people. In reality, everyone involved in a situation like this would be in serious therapy at a minimum and family court for certain. Honestly.

Also–have you ever watched “Cats & Dogs”? This movie is fricking brilliant. I love it. Can’t help it–seriously, Netflix it if you don’t believe me! Siamese cats as ninjas? Omg, seriously. And I do believe Mr. Tinkles is the greatest movie villain of all time. He’s way more evil than that guy in “No Country for Old Men” who kills people with that helium tank or whatever.

6) Ok, so I actually only had five things. But the Patriots game is on at the same time as Family Guy, and switching back and forth between the two has been quite distracting. I’ll try to update again before Christmas though, m’kay?