SarahWurrey.com

In the interests of firing up the old blog engine again after my usually scheduled four week break (which I take once every two weeks–blogging is hard work you guys), I am pulling a topic from the illustrious (in both esteem and hair) Meg Fowler. Nothing gets the writing juices flowing like a good old fashioned peeve-a-thon!

Therefore, here are Six Things That Will Always Annoy Me.

1) Incompetent Starbucks Baristas – I am not a person who berates those who work in the food service industry. My boyfriend works in this industry. My sister works in this industry. I almost always leave a 20% tip regardless of service at restaurants, becuase a) it’s easy math (math is hard!), and b) I don’t punish people financially for having a bad day or being grumpy and/or forgetful. If I myself were punished financially for grumpiness and forgetfulness, I’d be destitute.

(Here comes the but!) BUT–what’s up, Starbucks baristas??? It’s a Venti. Skim. Misto. Sugar-free caramel. And yet?

“Can I get a venti skim Misto with sugar-free caramel?”
“Sure. Calling bar! I need a venti Misto with vanilla!”
“Uh, no, it’s a SKIM, and that’s sugar-free caramel.”
“Oh whoops–Make that skim! And make it sugar-free vanilla!”
“NO. CARAMEL.”
“Caramel!”
“Sugar Free! Sugar Free Caramel!!!!!”

And even after all that they still hand me my finished drink without the caramel 3 times out of 5.

(Dunkin on the other hand, is right every time. *wistful sigh*)

2) Skinny People Who Complain About Their Weight – This one is tough, because some of my  best friends are Skinny People Who Complain About Their Weight. And yes, here is my obligatory admission that everyone from size 0 to size 300 will feel crappy about the way their butt looks in a particular pair of pants at some point in their lives. But for the most part? Cram it, Skinny People Who Complain About Their Weight! I think what bothers me most about this peeve is the silent understanding between me and the Skinny Person Complaining About Their Weight that if they woke up one day and looked like me, they would probably not even leave the house, except maybe to throw themselves in front of traffic. I just never really know what to say, so I usually go with the silent fume.

3) Message Boards – I got flamed for the first time last week, and I still can’t believe it took me 15 years of being online for this to happen. Long story short, I raised the ire of a regular commenter on the board I was posting on, and it resulted in a day-long event in which everyone thereafter posted HUNDREDS of comments questioning my moral fiber, level of attractiveness, intelligence, maturity, ability to read, and potential for finding a life mate. In short, message boards are, anthropologically speaking, bat$h!t CRAZY places. They are generally self-ruled by gangs of “regulars.” These regulars apparently don’t have jobs, because all they do all day long is post to their message board of choice. If you are new to the board and say something they don’t like, they will insult, taunt, and bully you endlessly. Trying to defend yourself only makes it worse; the only way out of it is to relent and admit they are your master, or post a final angry message about how you are taking your ball and going home. The second option is potentially more infuriating, because you will inevitably go back to this message board and wait for the flood of responses begging you not to leave and apologizing for how bat$h!t crazy the regular posters are, but you will instead be met with the Internet equivalent of that “Na-na-na-na hey hey hey good bye!” song. It stings. Avoid these places like the plague.

4) Reading Over My Shoulder – The easiest way to send me flying irrationally off the handle? Read over my shoulder, or ask me what I’m reading. Poor Chef Jon is obviously the most common victim of this one, as he can never help but ask me what I’m reading when I’m sitting with my laptop.

“Whatcha reading???”
“A blog.”
“What blog?”
“It’s a review of that movie we saw.”
“Oh, what are they saying?”
“OMFG LEAVE ME ALONE!”

And then he gets all hurt. I’m not saying it’s reasonable to yell at someone for this infraction. Nor is it necessarily polite to sit on your laptop and ignore your boyfriend when he’s at your house. I never said these peeves were rational, people! But damn. If I’m reading something, just let me be. Then maybe in the car later, “Hey have you read anything interesting lately? Can you recommend a funny blog?” Then I will be nice, because I am not being interrupted. Simple!

5) People Who Put You On The Phone With Their Children – This is self explanatory (one would think). Also, people who post photos of their kids as their Facebook picture. Yes, I’m an evil witch who eats babies for breakfast. But like I said, not all of these peeves are rational. It’s like people who hate Christmas. HOW CAN YOU HATE CHRISTMAS!? I exclaim. But they can’t explain it, they just do. That’s how I feel about Facebook profile photos of your admittedly cute baby. I’m sorry, really.

6) Sanctimonious Vegetarians/Workout Addicts/Ex-Smokers -

“I don’t understand how people can eat that! I don’t put anything into my body that wasn’t grown in the turd pile in my backyard. And can I just tell you how great I feel? And you should see my poop! Before I put it into my turd garden, I always check it thoroughly to make sure I’m digesting properly. And can I just tell you, do not get that generic brand of the pro-biotic poo-yogurt, only Pay$$$WhenYouAlreadyPooForFree! Yogurt will work. And ever since I gave up smoking and started 5am spinning and yoga every day, I am just so energetic! And did I tell you we got rid of our TV? We’re all just so much happier.”

“I’m sorry, I didn’t hear you. I was distracted by the ‘Real World’ marathon that’s on and this ginormous bag of cheez-its. Also, can we talk later? I’m out of cigs. Byeee!”

(See last year’s Merry Ch(aos)ristmas!)

“No, don’t buy that, it needs to be Blu-Ray.”
“What’s a Blu Ray?”
“I don’t actually know, I just know that’s what we need.”
“Well I don’t get why, when it’s right here.”
“No, that’s a DVD!”
“I just don’t–”
“You can play Blu Rays on a DVD, you just can’t play DVDs on a Blu Ray. Wait, is that right?”
“Let’s just get a gift card.”

“Why are you adding corn starch to that?”
“Because it’s in the recipe, silly.”
“Yeah but you really should have added the milk first.”
“I’m doing it this way.”
“You really should add the milk.”
“I’m going to add the milk to your FACE in about–”

“Oooh, yum, good dip!”
“DIP!?!?”
“Oh, hush you–”
“No. There is no DIP coming into this house.”
“It’s clam dip! Mmm—”
“NO.”
“You really need to get over this dip issue of yours.”
“NO. NO DIP!!!”
(For reference, this feud between my aunt and father over the proper amount of dip to serve at the holidays has been going on, I’m not even joking, for decades. Her dip is really good though, so she always wins.)

“This bread is frozen.”
“Yeah, it’s easier to make them that way.”
“Yeah but if it’s frozen why does it have mold on it?”
“It doesn’t!”
“Oh, ok so bread is SUPPOSED to have blue spots.”
“OH, that’s not the frozen bread that’s the bread I used to make Grammie and Grandpa’s sandwiches.”
“Uhh….”
“What?….Oh. Ooops.”

If you live on the East Coast, or own a TV, you might know that my neck of the woods has gotten blasted in the last couple days with about ten thousand tons of snow. Here are just a few things I’ve learned in the last 48 hours:

Lesson #1: Sometimes, the Crazy Grocery Store People Are Right
My fellow New Englanders and I enjoy mocking all the crazed DC french toast enthusiasts who relieve the Harris Teeter of its entire egg/milk/bread supply in the 24 hours before even the slightest flurry. But seeing as how I was trapped in my boyfriend’s apartment for 36 hours this weekend with no hope of rescue, it turns out the crazies might have a point. Lucky for me, said boyfriend is a chef. There was plenty of food. But imagine if there weren’t!!! I mean, what would I have done about my boredom eating?

Lesson #2: Uggs Are NOT Snow Boots
Uggs are many things. Comfy, warm, remarkably unattractive, worn frequently by teenagers with their miniskirts on the hottest day of summer in an effort to enrage me. They are also $150. What they are NOT? Is snow boots. Trust.

Lesson #3: Snow Only Covers Poo, It Does Not Vaporize It
No one, and I mean no one, cleans up their dog’s crap when they walk it in the snow. Is that some sort of unspoken pet owner code? Like, “well, we have to walk these nasty mongrels in a damn blizzard, so no way am I picking up any poops. Just no.”

Lesson #4: Booze Can Solve All Your Problems
The snow wouldn’t stop for several more hours, but things really warmed up in our house when I remembered about that full bottle of Jack Daniels in the liquor cabinet.

Lesson #5: SUVs Don’t Mean ANYTHING
People who drive SUVs are some of the biggest idiots you’ll ever meet. As a reasonable, sensible, intelligent person, I think “well 4 wheel drive would be nice, but it sure won’t help me in a damn blizzard with five-foot snow drifts.” An SUV driver on the other hand, will say “Bizzard? WHAT blizzard? I can drive 90 mph la la la, four wheel drive, la la laaaa!” (crash)

Lesson #6: Putting Your Windshield Wipers Up In the Air Really Doesn’t Make a Difference Sometimes

Unlike last Christmas, I am crazy, chockerblock, shoot mistletoe up your butt til it comes out your ears, full of holiday spirit this year. Maybe I’m just in a better mood this year than last. Maybe it’s because I am not single at present and won’t have to get any “oh well I’m sure you’ll meet someone who enjoys corpulent, sarcastic misanthropes eventually, Sarah” remarks from family members. Maybe it’s a sugar-cookie induced psychotic episode. But I am psyched, just psyched, for Christmas.

I decorated the apartment. I’ve been burning smelly, pine-scented, candles. I’ve even been contemplating getting Christmas outfits for the kitties.

Okay, maybe not.

Regardless, I love Christmas. I’m going to force my boyfriend to watch “Elf” with me on Friday night, as (blasphemy!) he’s never seen it. I assume he’s next going to tell me that he hates freedom, cupcakes, freedom cupcakes, and everything else in the world that is awesome.

Speaking of “Elf,” let’s do a list!

Top Ten Favorite Holiday Movies That Aren’t “A Christmas Story”

(You love “A Christmas Story”, I love “A Christmas Story”. We ALL love it. Let’s see if we can do this list without it, shall we?)

10) Babes in Toyland – There have been several versions, I believe. But this 1986 version with Drew Barrymore, Keanu Reeves, and Mr. Miyagi as the Toymaster? Tour de force on all counts, and VERY 80s. Not convinced? There’s an entire song in it all about the awesomeness of….Cincinnati.

9) “The Family Stone” – I am surprised by how much I enjoy this movie. I don’t really like Sarah Jessica Parker, and she’s the main character. They don’t give Rachel McAdams nearly enough screen time or bitchy remarks at SJP’s expense, and Luke Wilson is sorely underserved by the script (though does have a spectacular moment in which he is clearly going commando in his sweatpants). To say nothing of the involvement of the truly vile Dermot Mulroney, who will forever encapsulate the “douche that women fight over in movies even though he is not even worth the nailpolish they will chip during the catfight for his affections”. And yet? I freaking LOVE this movie. It’s just so Christmasy! And it makes you cry! And the DVD has a recipe for a delicious sounding quichey thing they make in the movie that ends up splattering all over everyone! It’s just really good. Plus I liked the poster–hehe.

8. “A Muppet Christmas Carol” – Um, hello? Statler and Waldorf as Marley? Genius.

7) Speaking of takes on “A Christmas Carol,” – “Scrooged” – This movie was made before the Bill Murray renaissance of the last few years, in which he has Vince Vaughned himself into the “playing the same role in every movie” mold so much that I’m almost experiencing a personal Bill Murray backlash. But when in doubt, I can always consult “Scrooged.” Classic!

6) “Gremlins” – No one ever thinks of this as a holiday movie! Everyone forgets that Gizmo started out as the world’s best Christmas present! You know, before the whole water thing resulting in Gremlins springing out of his back and trying to eat everyone. And you should love this movie based on the sequel alone, which stands as one of the most underrated sequels in movie history, and the first since “Godfather II” that honestly blows the original out of the water.

5) “Bad Santa” – Not even the sight of Lorelai Gilmore as a woman with a Santa fetish can diminish my love for this movie. Not even Billy Bob Thornton torturing some poor radio host interviewing his band and comparing himself to Tom Petty (snerk) can diminish it. It’s just that good.

4) “Love Actually” – I watch this movie approximately 5 to 7 times per Christmas season. This season I made my mom watch it with me, and even her repeated inquiries as to who was who, who was with whom, and whether Hugh Grant was the prime minister or Emma Thompson’s husband (repeated, repeated inquiries) couldn’t spoil it for me. That’s how it cracked the top five.

3) “It’s a Wonderful Life” – I know, I know. (No seriously, I know.) But despite all my sister’s repeated claims that I am a stone-hearted Grinch without a soul, this movie makes me weep every time. I’m powerless against it. I get choked up thinking about it, so we’d better move on before it gets dusty in here.

2) “National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation” speaks for itself with the cord-chewing wrapped up cat exploding.

1) “Elf” – “Did you HEAR that?”

Here I am, wrapped in a Snuggie because my heat is apparently broken, innocently watching “60 Minutes” because I was interested in the segment on famous shipwrecks (hey, I’ve been a Titanic junkie since I spent all of 1998 swooning over Leo with the rest of the 18 year olds) (okay, 14 year olds), and suddenly, I see this:

Watch CBS Videos Online

Transcript becuase the embed video apparently isn’t working (emphasis mine): “Want to do something special for your woman this Christmas? Call her doctor and schedule her pap smear. Pap smears save lives. This Christmas impress her–give her the gift that even Santa can’t deliver.” (Background: “Ho, ho, ho!”)

YIKES. I honestly rewound three times and watched it over and over, waiting for Kristen Wig to come into the frame and prove that this was some sort of SNL promo bonus skit….on CBS. YIKES. Even worse? At the next commercial break, I saw this:

Watch CBS Videos Online

Transcript (emphasis mine): “Want to do something special for your woman this Hannukah? Schedule her pap smear! Just a “schmear” could save her life. Light up her menorah with the gift that says, ‘you look great, but it’s what’s inside that counts!’”

I’m sorry…did they really just compare a vaginal exam to…cream cheese?

Why yes, as a matter of fact they did.

Quick poll: What’s the worse holiday gift, a pap smear or the dog Snuggie? (h/t Momsey)

Seven Items From The Last Month While Y’all Have Been Whining About My Absence:

1) Vacation in Cancun that sucked so bad it was almost comical. It rained every day. All day. No kidding. And when it wasn’t raining, it was cold (no kidding) and windy (hello, Hurrican Ida…’sup?). I dealt with it by reading. And drinking relaxing. Here is the obligatory cartoon.

(Note my lack of tan. Thanks for the memories, Cancun!)

2) Do you ever feel a little ashamed when you see something in the Sky Mall that you would SO TOTALLY BUY? For example, the brownie pan that makes the whole batch turn out like the chewy edges! Omg, WANT.

3) Luckily, the next thing I saw was this. You heat them up in the microwave. Stressed out? Just throw your adorable pet husky into the microwave, and then wrap its hot, limp corpse around your neck and shoulders. Who needs a spa??

4) Facebook Relationship Ad Advice Update: Last time, Facebook had me stalking my boyfriend to ensure fidelity. A couple weeks ago, I seemed to have moved past the Needy Stalker phase and into the Pressuring for a Ring phase. Thanks, Facebook–without you, how would I know how my relationship was progressing?

5) Two Random 90’s Movie Reviews: Every time I watch “The Parent Trap”, I think two things: one, that Lindsay Lohan was a truly adorable, talented kid, which is so sad considering.

Cocaine's a helluva drug, y'all.

And second, the whole plot of this film hinges on the notion that two parents, finding themselves unable to get along, would simply split up their infant twin daughters in a semi-King Solomon style, and abandon them to the other for life. This scenario is accepted as pretty much totally fine by just about everyone, including the twins in question even after they discover they’ve been denied both a sibling and a parent (to say nothing of grandparents, etc.) for their entire lives. WTF, people. In reality, everyone involved in a situation like this would be in serious therapy at a minimum and family court for certain. Honestly.

Also–have you ever watched “Cats & Dogs”? This movie is fricking brilliant. I love it. Can’t help it–seriously, Netflix it if you don’t believe me! Siamese cats as ninjas? Omg, seriously. And I do believe Mr. Tinkles is the greatest movie villain of all time. He’s way more evil than that guy in “No Country for Old Men” who kills people with that helium tank or whatever.

6) Ok, so I actually only had five things. But the Patriots game is on at the same time as Family Guy, and switching back and forth between the two has been quite distracting. I’ll try to update again before Christmas though, m’kay?

While spending the last two days chained to my couch, being incredibly dramatic over my non-swine related head cold and rocking sweatpants and my gigantic WEEI long sleeved t-shirt, whose origins remain a mystery (this shirt is my favorite thing to lounge about in, and yet I have no idea how I came to own it), I’ve made several meaningful observations:

1) Despite the common notion that men whine like babies whenever they catch so much as the sniffles, the Chef has schooled my ass this week. He had the cold first, and basically acted like it was no big deal. I on the other hand, act as though I’m on my deathbed. Or, in this case, deathcouch. Also, I’m pretty sure it’s love when he still thinks you’re cute with a red nose, glassy eyes and couch hair.

2) That old “feed a cold, feed a fever” thing (yeah, I don’t do starving, have we met?) really just doesn’t work. The more cookies I eat, the more sick I end up feeling. It’s like, great, now I’ve got a head cold and a stomachache. Thanks, cookies.

3) When you have a friend in town for one night only who wants to go out, just go to the bar across the street. That way if you keel over, the couch is 50 yards away, and whiskey and NyQuil have very similar scientific makeup.

4) When delirious with cabin fever and dry mouth (caused by all the mouth breathing) (and all the cookies), don’t decide it’s a great idea to get “Ghosts of Girlfriends Past” On Demand. Just….don’t.

5) No matter how much you want them to taste good, those blue corn tortilla chips from Trader Joe’s will never taste good. Even with salt. Move on.

6) You know how when people who cannot sing do karaoke, they always make those lame excuses beforehand “Oh, you guys are in for it tonight!” or “Ohmigod, I can’t believe I let them talk me into this!”….well I do that with cooking. I made breakfast this morning, and it was a constant stream of excuses. It’s that way every time I cook, or really every time I allow anyone in my kitchen:

“Okay, this pancake might taste like bacon, becuase I only have one frying pan. It might also taste like burning, because that one frying pan kind of has scorched-on something or other on it. Also, the pancake itself is burnt, soooo. Yeah.”

“Okay, we can make dinner here, but first let me take all my dirty dishes out of the oven….What? I don’t have a dishwasher, and sometimes you need to get them out of the way!”

“Sorry about that container of ricotta cheese that’s six months old, every time I want to throw it away I have a fresh bag in the garbage, and if I threw it away it would reek!….What? The garbage chute is all the way down the hall!”

7) I can sew buttons! I have this fab red coat that, for reasons entirely unrelated to my corpulence since the coat is not too small AT ALL (no really!!!) lost almost all its buttons last fall. I decided to use two hours (yes, really) of my couch time today sewing them back on, and it totally came out well! I think! We’ll see!! I pricked three fingers, my leg twice, and my lips. But check me out, I am like, totally domestic.

8. No, I was really serious about “Ghosts of Girlfriends Past.”

9) My cat keeps trying to get in the fridge. I am tempted to let him to teach him a lesson, but with my luck I’d forget he was in there and then I’d have to give him mouth-to-mouth like that “Punky Brewster” episode where Cherry got stuck in the old fridge that scared the bejesus out of me when I was 8:

I gotta say, I’m not sure how I feel about this. One day you go to bed with a relatively normal, if a bit oversized, head, and the next morning it’s a giant brick.

As if I didn’t already have enough trouble hat shopping.

Facebook ads are a near constant source of blog posts when you have nothing else to say.

I used to complain about how Facebook used my single status to taunt me with ads questioning whether I was “29 and alone again?” or “Worried he’s not out there?”

Or they’d try to sell me on birth control pills while simultaneously claiming to “accept” my Virginia baby.

And then there’s the incident with the man-boobs.

The latest? They are trying, like an 80s soap opera villain with a faked pregnancy, to drive a wedge between me and my boyfriend:

This is a good point. Where IS my boyfriend!???? He’s in Chevy Chase, according to this very reliable Facebook ad. WHO DOES HE KNOW IN CHEVY CHASE???

Thanks Facebook. I’ll take care of this immediately and then you can get back to taunting me with singles ads. But this time, I’m 30! So they’ll be like “Hey Old Maid, worried about your womb cobwebs? Freeze what few eggs you have left today!”

I used to be a regular contributor at Blogstring.com, my buddy Nate’s most excellent 2.0/startup-marketing blog. I haven’t written in over a year, because I suck, but my email is still available there.

As such, spambots grab it and send spam that is essentially “from” me to god-knows-who. Spam-Sarah apparently really wants you to invest in some products that will, er, enhance your manhood.  I also love how they turn up in my gmail spam folder all at once, and beneath recipes for Spam Pie.

Oh and btw, Spam-Sarah is really NSFW…and while I approve of her use of “licentious” as a word-nerd, her general grammar is just…sigh.