Spam-Sarah, to the rescue! (of under endowed men, apparently)
I used to be a regular contributor at Blogstring.com, my buddy Nate’s most excellent 2.0/startup-marketing blog. I haven’t written in over a year, because I suck, but my email is still available there.
As such, spambots grab it and send spam that is essentially “from” me to god-knows-who. Spam-Sarah apparently really wants you to invest in some products that will, er, enhance your manhood. I also love how they turn up in my gmail spam folder all at once, and beneath recipes for Spam Pie.
Oh and btw, Spam-Sarah is really NSFW…and while I approve of her use of “licentious” as a word-nerd, her general grammar is just…sigh.
Here’s what spam pie looks like, apparently. (I am ashamed to admit this looks kind of good.)
Look, Facebook, I get that you need to make a buck. I generally don’t find the ads you display all that intrusive or offensive (with the exception of the “29 and Single?” ones I used to get, which I translated as “29 and worried about all the tumbleweeds rolling around in the barren wasteland of your womb?”). They’re there, I’m used to it. (Actually though while we’re on the subject, what’s with the one that says Obama wants moms to go back to work, and it’s an animated pic of a lady doing bicycle crunches?)
But on this one, you might want to double check your records…Not sure what I said or did to get this ad, but, ummmm…yeaaaaaaah.
When dating someone who has to work ten days in a row until 1 in the morning, and therefore waiting around until 130 am for him to come over so you can see each other for a little bit before bed he totally goes home (hi, Mom!), and you start to worry that you’re going to be a zombie at work the next day, just remember this–
I’d do it, too. Damn, close-minded Republicans. We’ll be together someday, Dunkin.
Yes, I keep mentioning it, but I’m sorry, my delight in the fact that my boyfriend cooks for a living has yet to fade. Everyone I tell always seems duly impressed, and so far only my sister has mentioned that this fact could be a dangerous thing for the size of my already considerable booty. But I don’t care about that at this point.
The Food and I are in a honeymoon period. Soon, I will start to find The Food’s cute habits and overall deliciousness supremely annoying, and only then will I notice the booty issue.
Regardless, the whole undertaking has me thinking about which chefs–real and fictional–I like the best, besides the guy, of course. (With the possible exception of the Swedish Chef, who I really think comes in first ahead of just about everyone.)
5) Chef Louis – “The Little Mermaid”
He wins points for pure enthusiasm. Perhaps I should try singing to my food as I cook it, and my technique would improve.
4) Barth – “You Can’t Do That On Television”
Gotta respect a chef who has loyal customers despite making them puke their guts out in every episode–to say nothing of his dedication to filth so intense that he kills the health inspector and serves him in the burgers.
(Side note: YCDTOT was a dark show, y’all. Here’s another Barth clip I found. Sick!)
3) Julia Child
Julia rocked for a billion reasons well-documented by Meryl Streep in “Julie & Julia”. But this segment with a young David Letterman is sublime–beef tartare au gratin (raw hamburger meat with cheese melted with a blow torch) is something I’d probably end up making if I ever endeavored to cook. No one screwed up like Julia.
2) Chef – South Park
I believe this is self explanatory. (I’d put these up against Schweddy Balls any time.)
1) Swedish Chef – “The Muppet Show”
Bork bork bork!
Honorable Mentions: Casey Ryback (he uses his chef skills to make bombs, y’all) and Sookie from “Gilmore Girls” (her and Chef Louis should get together and have extremely enthusiastic half-human half-cartoon chef babies).
So here’s the thing, so people stop asking: No, I’m not doing the marathon thing anymore.
It was probably a shite idea from the start, let’s be honest. No one will my complete inability to give up happy hour and cigarettes (to say nothing of cheese and Skittles) (which go GREAT together) was ever really going to be able to do a marathon with only 6 months to train myself from Couch Champion to Marathon Staggerer.
With these daunting odds against me, about 3 months into my efforts (when I was up to pretty good mileage of 7 and 10 milers on the weekends), I hit a perfect storm contributing to my demise, broken down thusly:
a) Plantar Fasciitis, which I have illustrated in Fig. 1 (60% contributing factor in the quittage).
Fig. 1
b) A new relationship, which is a time-suck (albeit a terrific time-suck) (and with a damn chef for crying out loud, hard to work the motivation to run when you’re being served bacon-potato-cheese scrambles for breakfast, as in Fig. 2 (17% contributing to quittage).
Fig. 2
c) Supreme, total, and in every way laziness, which had been battled aside for a couple months when the mileage was low and I was riding high on all the rampant praise and support from friends (”You’re doing a marathon?? Oh my, I wish that I was that committed, I can hardly get out of bed in the mornings!”), but which has slowly taken hold, aided by couches and salty snacks (23% contributing factor to quittage, as per Fig 3).
Fig 3.
Well, there you have it.
For what it’s worth, I’m going to think about paying the minimal fee to transfer my registration to next year. A marathon is still something I really want to do, since my sister seems to enjoy them so much, and believe it or not, I really do like running! I just was struck down in this particular effort.
So you may have already heard, since I know you all Facebook-stalk me with the same zeal I do to you, that today is my 30th birthday.
I half expected to wake up today as a proper, together grown-up, like the kind they have on TV.
Things I Expected About Being 30 That Didn’t Pan Out:
- To wake up at 7am and not immediately roll back over and go to sleep until 230 in the afternoon
- This “savings account” thing I keep hearing about
- Guest towels
- The desire to, just once, do laundry prior to running out of underwear
- Terrible hangovers (Scratch that, this one is true. Can I swap it for the mythical “savings account”?)
- An ironing board
- An understanding of the vehicle registration process
- Preference for “good” beer and wine instead of Bud Light and Two-Buck Chuck
- Meals for dinner (instead of my usual Lucky Charms and string cheese)
- Pots and pans and tupperware (that were not gifted to my parents at their 1975 wedding)
I could go on. The point is, I don’t feel grown up. And really, all I’ve learned in the last 30 years is that even if you’re using Dunkin Donuts coffee, homemade iced coffees are just really not as good.
Full disclosure: I’m proud to say Feeding America is a client. I have been helping with their outreach effort on blogs and Twitter to promote Hunger Action Month.
Who do we think of when we think of hunger?
For me, I always used to just think of the children in those daytime commercials I would see as a kid. Images of children living in poverty in developing countries, whom you could sponsor for “just a few dollars a month.” Growing up in a sheltered New Hampshire suburb and never worrying about where my next meal was coming from, I suppose it was easy to be ignorant of the fact that hunger affects millions of kids in America as well.
According to Feeding America, in 2007 there were over 12 million American children living in food-insecure households. These undernourished children are in great danger of social, physical, and educational problems. Feeding America wants to do more to ensure all children receive the nutrition they need.
Hunger Action Month starts today, and will focus in part on childhood hunger in America–and there are many ways that you can help! I’d like to urge you to lend your voice to the effort. Whether you’d like to give up a cup of coffee, sign your child up to be a Hunger Helper, or write your Representative–every action can make a difference.
For my fellow social media geeks, I’d also like to challenge you to join me to spreading the word on Facebook, Twitter, and through your blog. Use any of the links below to make sure your network hears about Hunger Action Month, and urge your friends to do the same!
