Okay, lucky for him, Jon does not snore all the time.
Okay, that’s not true he totally does. But, lucky for him, he does not snore so loudly that it keeps me awake all the time. When he does? It’s World War 3 in Casa Wurrey.
There’s really not much a person can do. I usually refrain from Option A (pillow violence) and head straight for Option B (resentful couch sleeping). Why doesn’t HE sleep on the couch, you ask?
“Why don’t YOU go sleep on the couch?”
“Why should I? You’re the one who can’t sleep.”
“…rrrrrrr…”
“What are you doing with that pillow? GAAAGHGH!”
And the worst part of all of it is that no matter what the infomercials tell you, there is NO cure for snoring. None. No, none.
“Those nose strips though!”
No. Those nose strips are very useful if one has a cold and can’t breathe well. They are also very useful in taping one’s nose back to make pig faces (not that I’ve done that). What they are not useful for is snoring. Just stop saying that when you know it is not true.
Dr. Franks has an epic moustache. He also sells an “arthritis spray.” This man is very pro-spray. But if it worked, he wouldn’t hock it via infomercial and cheesy website.
One thing I do like about Dr. Franks and other anti-snoring infomercials is that they are clearly employing actresses who know exactly what it’s like to sleep next to a jet engine. This lady’s Faces of Exasperation and Requisite Pillow Violence are spot-on. Get this chick a guest-starring role on “Two and a Half Men.” She’s just that good.
(What? That would be a big step up from a Snoring Infomercial actress.)
I present to you, the Five Stages of Pillow Violence, courtesy of the “Z-Quiet Snoring Cure” commercial:
Stage One: Yep, He’s Snoring Again
Stage Two: Attempt to Stop it Via Evil Side-Eye
Stage Three: Resentment Builds, More Side-Eye
Stage Four: Futile Attempts at Rage Control
Stage Five: PILLOW VIOLENCE!!!!
I’ve only resorted to pillow violence a couple of times. Normally I try to just gently place a pillow onto his face to muffle the sound. This technique is met with the same amount of anger as if I’d decided to solve the issue by beating him with a pillowcase full of hot nickels, so I’ve abandoned that as well.
Good thing I love my couch. Almost as much as I love him.
Unlike last Christmas, I am crazy, chockerblock, shoot mistletoe up your butt til it comes out your ears, full of holiday spirit this year. Maybe I’m just in a better mood this year than last. Maybe it’s because I am not single at present and won’t have to get any “oh well I’m sure you’ll meet someone who enjoys corpulent, sarcastic misanthropes eventually, Sarah” remarks from family members. Maybe it’s a sugar-cookie induced psychotic episode. But I am psyched, just psyched, for Christmas.
I decorated the apartment. I’ve been burning smelly, pine-scented, candles. I’ve even been contemplating getting Christmas outfits for the kitties.
Okay, maybe not.
Regardless, I love Christmas. I’m going to force my boyfriend to watch “Elf” with me on Friday night, as (blasphemy!) he’s never seen it. I assume he’s next going to tell me that he hates freedom, cupcakes, freedom cupcakes, and everything else in the world that is awesome.
Speaking of “Elf,” let’s do a list!
Top Ten Favorite Holiday Movies That Aren’t “A Christmas Story”
(You love “A Christmas Story”, I love “A Christmas Story”. We ALL love it. Let’s see if we can do this list without it, shall we?)
10) Babes in Toyland – There have been several versions, I believe. But this 1986 version with Drew Barrymore, Keanu Reeves, and Mr. Miyagi as the Toymaster? Tour de force on all counts, and VERY 80s. Not convinced? There’s an entire song in it all about the awesomeness of….Cincinnati.
9) “The Family Stone” – I am surprised by how much I enjoy this movie. I don’t really like Sarah Jessica Parker, and she’s the main character. They don’t give Rachel McAdams nearly enough screen time or bitchy remarks at SJP’s expense, and Luke Wilson is sorely underserved by the script (though does have a spectacular moment in which he is clearly going commando in his sweatpants). To say nothing of the involvement of the truly vile Dermot Mulroney, who will forever encapsulate the “douche that women fight over in movies even though he is not even worth the nailpolish they will chip during the catfight for his affections”. And yet? I freaking LOVE this movie. It’s just so Christmasy! And it makes you cry! And the DVD has a recipe for a delicious sounding quichey thing they make in the movie that ends up splattering all over everyone! It’s just really good. Plus I liked the poster–hehe.
8. “A Muppet Christmas Carol” – Um, hello? Statler and Waldorf as Marley? Genius.
7) Speaking of takes on “A Christmas Carol,” – “Scrooged” – This movie was made before the Bill Murray renaissance of the last few years, in which he has Vince Vaughned himself into the “playing the same role in every movie” mold so much that I’m almost experiencing a personal Bill Murray backlash. But when in doubt, I can always consult “Scrooged.” Classic!
6) “Gremlins” – No one ever thinks of this as a holiday movie! Everyone forgets that Gizmo started out as the world’s best Christmas present! You know, before the whole water thing resulting in Gremlins springing out of his back and trying to eat everyone. And you should love this movie based on the sequel alone, which stands as one of the most underrated sequels in movie history, and the first since “Godfather II” that honestly blows the original out of the water.
5) “Bad Santa” – Not even the sight of Lorelai Gilmore as a woman with a Santa fetish can diminish my love for this movie. Not even Billy Bob Thornton torturing some poor radio host interviewing his band and comparing himself to Tom Petty (snerk) can diminish it. It’s just that good.
4) “Love Actually” – I watch this movie approximately 5 to 7 times per Christmas season. This season I made my mom watch it with me, and even her repeated inquiries as to who was who, who was with whom, and whether Hugh Grant was the prime minister or Emma Thompson’s husband (repeated, repeated inquiries) couldn’t spoil it for me. That’s how it cracked the top five.
3) “It’s a Wonderful Life” – I know, I know. (No seriously, I know.) But despite all my sister’s repeated claims that I am a stone-hearted Grinch without a soul, this movie makes me weep every time. I’m powerless against it. I get choked up thinking about it, so we’d better move on before it gets dusty in here.
2) “National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation” speaks for itself with the cord-chewing wrapped up cat exploding.
Here I am, wrapped in a Snuggie because my heat is apparently broken, innocently watching “60 Minutes” because I was interested in the segment on famous shipwrecks (hey, I’ve been a Titanic junkie since I spent all of 1998 swooning over Leo with the rest of the 18 year olds) (okay, 14 year olds), and suddenly, I see this:
Transcript becuase the embed video apparently isn’t working (emphasis mine):“Want to do something special for your woman this Christmas? Call her doctor and schedule her pap smear. Pap smears save lives. This Christmas impress her–give her the gift that even Santa can’t deliver.” (Background: “Ho, ho, ho!”)
YIKES. I honestly rewound three times and watched it over and over, waiting for Kristen Wig to come into the frame and prove that this was some sort of SNL promo bonus skit….on CBS. YIKES. Even worse? At the next commercial break, I saw this:
Transcript (emphasis mine): “Want to do something special for your woman this Hannukah? Schedule her pap smear! Just a “schmear” could save her life. Light up her menorah with the gift that says, ‘you look great, but it’s what’s inside that counts!’”
I’m sorry…did they really just compare a vaginal exam to…cream cheese?
Why yes, as a matter of fact they did.
Quick poll: What’s the worse holiday gift, a pap smear or the dog Snuggie? (h/t Momsey)
While spending the last two days chained to my couch, being incredibly dramatic over my non-swine related head cold and rocking sweatpants and my gigantic WEEI long sleeved t-shirt, whose origins remain a mystery (this shirt is my favorite thing to lounge about in, and yet I have no idea how I came to own it), I’ve made several meaningful observations:
1) Despite the common notion that men whine like babies whenever they catch so much as the sniffles, the Chef has schooled my ass this week. He had the cold first, and basically acted like it was no big deal. I on the other hand, act as though I’m on my deathbed. Or, in this case, deathcouch. Also, I’m pretty sure it’s love when he still thinks you’re cute with a red nose, glassy eyes and couch hair.
2) That old “feed a cold, feed a fever” thing (yeah, I don’t do starving, have we met?) really just doesn’t work. The more cookies I eat, the more sick I end up feeling. It’s like, great, now I’ve got a head cold and a stomachache. Thanks, cookies.
3) When you have a friend in town for one night only who wants to go out, just go to the bar across the street. That way if you keel over, the couch is 50 yards away, and whiskey and NyQuil have very similar scientific makeup.
4) When delirious with cabin fever and dry mouth (caused by all the mouth breathing) (and all the cookies), don’t decide it’s a great idea to get “Ghosts of Girlfriends Past” On Demand. Just….don’t.
5) No matter how much you want them to taste good, those blue corn tortilla chips from Trader Joe’s will never taste good. Even with salt. Move on.
6) You know how when people who cannot sing do karaoke, they always make those lame excuses beforehand “Oh, you guys are in for it tonight!” or “Ohmigod, I can’t believe I let them talk me into this!”….well I do that with cooking. I made breakfast this morning, and it was a constant stream of excuses. It’s that way every time I cook, or really every time I allow anyone in my kitchen:
“Okay, this pancake might taste like bacon, becuase I only have one frying pan. It might also taste like burning, because that one frying pan kind of has scorched-on something or other on it. Also, the pancake itself is burnt, soooo. Yeah.”
“Okay, we can make dinner here, but first let me take all my dirty dishes out of the oven….What? I don’t have a dishwasher, and sometimes you need to get them out of the way!”
“Sorry about that container of ricotta cheese that’s six months old, every time I want to throw it away I have a fresh bag in the garbage, and if I threw it away it would reek!….What? The garbage chute is all the way down the hall!”
7) I can sew buttons! I have this fab red coat that, for reasons entirely unrelated to my corpulence since the coat is not too small AT ALL (no really!!!) lost almost all its buttons last fall. I decided to use two hours (yes, really) of my couch time today sewing them back on, and it totally came out well! I think! We’ll see!! I pricked three fingers, my leg twice, and my lips. But check me out, I am like, totally domestic.
8. No, I was really serious about “Ghosts of Girlfriends Past.”
9) My cat keeps trying to get in the fridge. I am tempted to let him to teach him a lesson, but with my luck I’d forget he was in there and then I’d have to give him mouth-to-mouth like that “Punky Brewster” episode where Cherry got stuck in the old fridge that scared the bejesus out of me when I was 8:
Yes, I keep mentioning it, but I’m sorry, my delight in the fact that my boyfriend cooks for a living has yet to fade. Everyone I tell always seems duly impressed, and so far only my sister has mentioned that this fact could be a dangerous thing for the size of my already considerable booty. But I don’t care about that at this point.
The Food and I are in a honeymoon period. Soon, I will start to find The Food’s cute habits and overall deliciousness supremely annoying, and only then will I notice the booty issue.
Regardless, the whole undertaking has me thinking about which chefs–real and fictional–I like the best, besides the guy, of course. (With the possible exception of the Swedish Chef, who I really think comes in first ahead of just about everyone.)
5) Chef Louis – “The Little Mermaid”
He wins points for pure enthusiasm. Perhaps I should try singing to my food as I cook it, and my technique would improve.
4) Barth – “You Can’t Do That On Television”
Gotta respect a chef who has loyal customers despite making them puke their guts out in every episode–to say nothing of his dedication to filth so intense that he kills the health inspector and serves him in the burgers.
(Side note: YCDTOT was a dark show, y’all. Here’s another Barth clip I found. Sick!)
3) Julia Child
Julia rocked for a billion reasons well-documented by Meryl Streep in “Julie & Julia”. But this segment with a young David Letterman is sublime–beef tartare au gratin (raw hamburger meat with cheese melted with a blow torch) is something I’d probably end up making if I ever endeavored to cook. No one screwed up like Julia.
2) Chef – South Park
I believe this is self explanatory. (I’d put these up against Schweddy Balls any time.)
1) Swedish Chef – “The Muppet Show”
Bork bork bork!
Honorable Mentions: Casey Ryback (he uses his chef skills to make bombs, y’all) and Sookie from “Gilmore Girls” (her and Chef Louis should get together and have extremely enthusiastic half-human half-cartoon chef babies).
I’ve learned that what happens when you don’t blog every day is that all the things that are awesome tend to pile up. I keep a running “Awesomeness List” to remind myself of what to blog about. I know I’ll never write up several separate posts–so how about a weekly Awesomeness Compilation?
Seven Things That Are Awesome This Week:
7) The Wearable Towel. Where to begin? This thing has the potential to put the Snuggie right out of business. Who doesn’t wear a “toga-style” towel to go get the paper in the morning?
I'm not naked, it's a TOGA.
6) Jezebel’s Celebrity Twitter Roundup – Where else would we learn the thrilling news that Miley Cyrus found her lucky bracelet in her, get this, car cupholder!
Well, thank God. Now I can sleep tonight!
5) My new boyfriend, who cooks. Like, for a living. (No, seriously.) Just don’t tell him I am using him for baked ziti and homemade bagels.
4) Speaking of the Snuggie, how did I not know it now has designer models?? I demand a zebra print deluxe Snuggie at once!
I wish my Snuggie were even uglier!
OMG! Ugly fairy dust!
Oooh, even uglier than I imagined!
Don’t get me wrong. I totally want one. Zebra print, people. Look, if they’re good enough for the Invisible Man, they’re good enough for me.
What, no argyle?
3) Jason Stackhouse in a gas mask, pretending to be Dionysus (I think?) so the mob of black-eyed zombies will give Sam enough time to turn into a housefly and escape from the crazy orgy meat lady. Ah, True Blood. Everything about True Blood qualifies for the Official List of Things That Are Awesome, but shirtless Jason Stackhouse with road flares and a tree branch for horns?
“Oh yes! He is the best offering ever!”
Yeah, this show is ridic.
2) While turning 30 next week is in the list of things that are decidedly NOT AWESOME; my 30th birthday party is this Friday night, and it involves karaoke. And karaoke? Is awesome.
1) Poodle Panda! Who is only outdone by Poodle Jack Sparrow.
In short, Julia Sugarbaker didn’t take any crap from anyone; nor did she suffer fools easily.
I think I can say with authority that the smart and talented women in social media, particularly those at Podcamp Boston 4 last weekend, all have a little Julia in them. How else can we describe the spirited and thoughtful posts springing out of the Podcamp discussion on gender and social media?
So why do I still feel so disheartened?
I think it’s because by and large, the women on the lawn that day seemed to fall in step behind Chris Penn’s conclusions. To wit, that sexism, or a “glass ceiling” effect, has nothing to do with the lack of women on the social media “A-list.” That anyone who thinks so is just falling victim to “self imposed limitations.”
The idea seems to be that if women aren’t succeeding, they have only themselves to blame. Quite a convenient theory, I’d say.
The argument that claiming sexism plays a part in any challenge we face is encouraging women to “play the victim” is far from new. It’s a straw man that’s tapped repeatedly in debates about feminism. And it positively reeks of privilege. Male privilege specifically, although the number of women adhering to it also hints that it might also be privilege of experience. That is, if you haven’t experienced something personally, it must not exist.
In an old but good post about privilege, Barry Deutsch quotes a paper on white privilege. Its author argues that white people are “taught to see racism only in individual acts of meanness, not in invisible systems conferring dominance on my group.”
With regards to sexism, it’s the “invisible system” that was the crux of my comments during the Podcamp gender discussion. It’s not always about some tangible, moustache-twirling man making a conscious decision to discriminate against women, or keep them off the stage at conferences. I argued that cultural issues are at play here, unspoken “rules” that we’re taught from a young age, and the constant messages we receive about women in the public eye. We are scrutinized far more closely, and judged much more harshly. We’re bombarded with messages that our appearance matters more than anything.
I mentioned at the sesssion popular livecaster iJustine as a woman who has “made it” in social media. Is it a coincidence that, along with being very smart working very hard, she is also a blonde bombshell? On the flip side, someone should ask her how much disgusting, sexual, or harassing email she gets. Someone should read about Julia Roy’s experiences being an attractive woman at the top of the social media game. Better yet, go back and read the story of what happened to Kathy Sierra.
Something tells me the men on the A-list aren’t dealing with these types of issues. Is it any wonder we might be somewhat reluctant to promote ourselves? What are the auto-suggestions when you type “iJustine is” into Google?
Naturally. As a woman if you’re hot, you’re golden. Unless of course you have opinions. Then you’re also annoying. Can’t have that.
Penn’s major comment during the session was that it “doesn’t care what’s between your legs, just between your ears.”
I was shocked at this statement, and moreso that the group actually erupted into applause after he said it. I basked in the irony that everyone seemed to think he was making some sort of statement on equality by using provocative language that dismisses the entire feminist movement as, basically, a bunch of whining vaginas.
Have there not ALWAYS been women with plenty going on between their ears? Are there not currently TONS of women in social media who are incredibly smart, incredibly accomplished, and incredibly under-represented everywhere–from the stage at SxSW to the Power 150?
Chris says we need to just “be awesome.” I’m sorry, I was unaware that we weren’t already awesome. I can name at least 100 awesome women right now. Why is it the responsibility for changing the state of affairs all on us?
Continuing his odd inclination to use language in this debate that boils women down to their genitals, Chris says of Michelle Wolverton, the terrific lead organizer of Podcamp Boston, that she “didn’t become lead organizer of the first and oldest PodCamp by demanding a chance because she’s got a vagina.”
Excuse me, but what? Find me one example of any woman who has written or spoken about this issue who has claimed that women should be given more speaking roles becuase of our “vaginas.”
This seems to be a consistent confusion, so let me clear it up right now. No one is saying that conference organizers just pick any old women off the street and give them a mic just because they’re women. No one.
We’re saying that women who are already equally deserving of these chances, women who ARE “awesome,” have been overlooked. And we’re asking that it be corrected.
The Emmys! Ah, my third favorite awards show behind the Golden Globes and the Oscars. Oh, and the MTV Video Awards. Oh, and maybe SAG….Well ok, they are still a big deal! TV is basically what I have instead of religion, family, or a life–so I have given this a LOT of thought. And it was hard, because apparently this is the “year of a thousand nominations”. Whatever happened to just five? Between this and the Oscars expanding their categories to TEN nominees, I really don’t know how to make predictions. I feel Vegas is responsible; they are trying to rustle up more betting capital because of the poor economy. What? I’m sure people bet on this stuff! What?
And here are my picks: (Also, picking who I feel was egregiously overlooked, and who I thought was a joke of a nomination, per Red’s request.)
Outstanding Comedy Series
Entourage
Family Guy
Flight Of The Conchords
How I Met Your Mother
The Office
30 Rock
Weeds
Will win: 30 Rock Should win: 30 Rock Honorable Mention: How I Met Your Mother (this show should win an Emmy for the Slapsgiving episode from last season alone) What the Hell?: Weeds (I watched 3 episodes of this to try it out during my Showtime free preview. It sucked. Sucked. I don’t get the appeal, but I also hated “Arrested Development”. A lot.) Wuz Robbed: I really don’t see how you can nominate Family Guy over South Park…but that’s just me.
Outstanding Drama Series
Big Love
Breaking Bad
Damages
Dexter
House
Lost
Mad Men
Should Win: Lost, for the best seaason to date. This show makes me scream out loud in shock, awe, joy, befuddlement…name the emotion, I’ve yelled out “OMG” over it while Lost is on. Amazing. Will Win: Mad Men (only slightly less deserving than Lost, because I don’t yell out loud) (by the way, I am aware of all the inappropriate jokes you are making in your head, you perv) Honorable Mention: Dexter (I watched this and Weeds during my Showtime free preview. Dexter was addictive, I may have to pay to keep it.) What the Hell?: Big Love. I can’t get behind anything involving Chloe Sevigny, because she looks like some sort of aquatic lizard. Wuz Robbed: Aside from my usual Friday Night Lights grumbles; True Blood! HELLO! I feel that Bill will take some sort of sexy revenge out on the Academy for this.
You bet I will, Miss Wurrey.
Outstanding Lead Actor In A Comedy Series
The Big Bang Theory • Jim Parsons as Sheldon Cooper
Flight Of The Conchords • Jemaine Clement as Jemaine
Monk • Tony Shalhoub as Adrian Monk
The Office • Steve Carell as Michael Scott
30 Rock • Alec Baldwin as Jack Donaghy
Two And A Half Men • Charlie Sheen as Charlie Harper
Should Win: Alec Baldwin Will Win: Alec Baldwin (don’t see how he can lose at this point) Honorable Mention: I hear great things about Flight of the Conchords What the Hell?: I actually very much enjoy Two and a Half Men; but it’s paint by numbers for Sheen at this point, he basically plays himself. Wuz Robbed: I also hear great things about Eastbound and Down, so no?
Outstanding Lead Actor In A Drama Series
Breaking Bad • Bryan Cranston as Walter White
Dexter • Michael C. Hall as Dexter Morgan
House • Hugh Laurie as Dr. Gregory House
In Treatment • Gabriel Byrne as Paul
Mad Men • Jon Hamm as Don Draper
The Mentalist • Simon Baker as Patrick Jane
Should Win: Jon Hamm – Don Draper is the most intricate dramatic character on television since Sipowicz, and Hamm should get a Franz-size load of trophies for this role. Will Win: Bryan Cranston Honorable Mention: Dexter What the Hell?: Simon Baker? Really? I mean if you’re voting on hotness, maybe. Wuz Robbed: Actually? I can’t think of anyone who was robbed. The guy who plays Bill in True Blood isn’t that good an actor, although if we are judging by hotness, I pick him over silly old Simon Baker.
Outstanding Lead Actress In A Comedy Series
The New Adventures Of Old Christine • Julia Louis-Dreyfus as Christine
Samantha Who? • Christina Applegate as Samantha Newly
The Sarah Silverman Program • Sarah Silverman as Sarah Silverman
30 Rock • Tina Fey as Liz Lemon
United States Of Tara • Toni Collette as Tara Gregson
Weeds • Mary-Louise Parker as Nancy Botwin
Should Win: Tina Fey Will Win: Tina Fey Honorable Mention: I could see Toni Collette OR Julia Louis Dreyfuss sneaking in here. What the Hell?: I’m pretty sure that unless they’re giving out Emmys for “Best Imitation of a Person Suffering from LockJaw” that Mary-Louise Parker should not win. But I might just still be bitter about how long she kept Donna and Josh apart on The West Wing. Wuz Robbed: Again, can’t think of any snubs here. None of “The Office” ladies I’d want to nominate really count as leading roles. Wait for the supporting category for my thoughts here.
Outstanding Lead Actress In A Drama Series
Brothers & Sisters • Sally Field as Nora Walker
The Closer • Kyra Sedgwick as Brenda Leigh Johnson
Damages • Glenn Close as Patty Hewes
Law & Order: Special Victims Unit • Mariska Hargitay as Detective Olivia Benson
Mad Men • Elisabeth Moss as Peggy Olson
Saving Grace • Holly Hunter as Grace Hanadarko
Should Win: Elisabeth Moss – This season of Mad Men didn’t match the first, but Moss’ Peggy was, as the critics say, finely drawn. She was astonishing in the scene where she confessed her pregnancy to Pete. It starts at 2:10. Just watch it, seriously.
Will Win: Glenn Close Honorable Mention: I suppose Holly Hunter could steal this one, but I despise her show…she chews up more scenery than Al Pacino. What the Hell?: I would swap Rachel Griffiths for silly Sally Field in a hot second. Wuz Robbed: Ah, Sookie. I’m almost glad you didn’t get nominated, because I want Peggy to win!
But don't I have a bettah rack??
(Yes, yes you do. But that does not influence my decision!)
Outstanding Supporting Actor In A Comedy Series
Entourage • Kevin Dillon as Johnny Drama
How I Met Your Mother • Neil Patrick Harris as Barney Stinson
The Office • Rainn Wilson as Dwight Schrute
30 Rock • Tracy Morgan as Tracy Jordan
30 Rock • Jack McBrayer as Kenneth Parcell
Two And A Half Men • Jon Cryer as Alan Harper
Will Win: Neil Patrick Harris Should Win: Neil Patrick Harris – I love Barney. There, I said it. Harris could make this role a Holly Hunteresque scenery chew off, but he doesn’t, he’s great. AND HE HAS A BLOG! (Seriously, watch this. It’s only one minute, and if you don’t believe me that Barney is the best, I’ll take your word for it.)
Honorable Mention: Tracy Morgan kills me. Wuz Robbed: I love Dwight, but no Nard Dog? Seriously?
Outstanding Supporting Actor In A Drama Series
Boston Legal • William Shatner as Denny Crane
Boston Legal • Christian Clemenson as Jerry Espenson
Breaking Bad • Aaron Paul as Jesse Pinkman
Damages • William Hurt as Daniel Purcell
Lost • Michael Emerson as Ben Linus
Mad Men • John Slattery as Roger Sterling
Will Win: I have NO idea.
Should Win: Emerson, for sure.
Honorable Mention: Slattery’s Roger is quite the rapscallion, and he should win just for giving me an opportunity to use that word in a sentence.
What the Hell?:William Shatner, I have nothing against you, really (except maybe those Priceline commercials), but Denny Crane became one note and un-Emmy worth about four Emmys ago. Please go away. Wuz Robbed: Tie between Josh Holloway for Lost (Sawyer was the best thing about that show this season) and True Blood’s Nelsan Ellis. For this scene alone; awesomeness. (Uh, awesomeness and some NSFW language–it is an HBO show after all..)
Outstanding Supporting Actress In A Comedy Series
Pushing Daisies • Kristin Chenoweth as Olive Snook
Saturday Night Live • Amy Poehler as Various Characters
Saturday Night Live • Kristin Wiig as Various Characters
30 Rock • Jane Krakowski as Jenna Maroney
Ugly Betty • Vanessa Williams as Wilhelmina Slater
Weeds • Elizabeth Perkins as Celia Hodes
Will Win: I have NO idea–I will guess and say Elizabeth Perkins, because Emmy voters love cable shows and that’s the only one nominated here. Should Win: Amy Poehler. Did you SEE the Sarah Palin rap she did 8 months pregnant? The woman is a genius. Honorable Mention: Kristin Wiig – Only SNL lady capable of carrying the Tina/Amy torch What the Hell?: Jane Krakowski. I love (LOVE) 30 Rock. I also think she’s the worst thing on it. Wuz Robbed: Phyllis Smith, Phyllis on “The Office.” I could write fan fiction about her dumping her husband and running off with the equally snubbed Nard Dog and making quirky, awesome, chubby, a cappella singing babies together. I luff her.
Outstanding Supporting Actress In A Drama Series
Damages • Rose Byrne as Ellen Parsons
Grey’s Anatomy • Sandra Oh as Dr. Christina Yang
Grey’s Anatomy • Chandra Wilson as Dr. Miranda Bailey
In Treatment • Dianne Wiest as Gina
In Treatment • Hope Davis as Mia
24 • Cherry Jones as President Allison Taylor
Will Win: Another toughie, I’m going to say Hope Davis Should Win: This is the one category where I am so mad about snubs that I honestly don’t have a horse in the race. I like Sandra Oh, but she didn’t earn it. Honorable Mention: Again, I don’t care, but I guess Rose Byrne could ride Glenn Close’s coattails here. What the Hell?: I love Cherry Jones, especially when she plays Matt Damon’s mom in “Ocean’s 12″ (though it could just be that “Ocean’s 12″ was a monstrous turd trumpet before she comes along), but she was the worst president in “24″ history. And that includes Logan. Wuz Robbed: SO many people. But mostly Christina Hendricks from “Mad Men.” She deserves 10 Emmys for the rape scene alone. And is absolutely beyond fierce. Rowr.
So the topic Big Moma picked for today is what’s the hardest thing you’ve ever had to quit–his is Nicorette, which is apparently harder for him to give up than the cigs were in the first place.
Not I, I’ve had the same box of Nicorette sitting on my desk for 2 months at least, and it’s barely half way done. And it’s done nothing to prevent me from falling spectacularly off the wagon on at least eleventy different occasions.
Anything can set off a cheating fit, mostly being at the bar (when is VA banning smoking again?), but it can be anything. Movies are a killer too, I’ve found. Or hell, try making it through an episode of “Mad Men.”
I just consider it good practice. So I have compiled a list of movies that it is one day my goal to watch without desperately craving a cigarette:
5) “St. Elmo’s Fire” – First of all, this movie is terrible. Just terrible. Why did I never know this? It used to be one of my faves. But man. Find me 22 year olds who actually talk like this, and I’ll eat my hat, and won’t even have that satisfying post-meal smoke afterwards. (The crap apartment, in this scene, however, is startlingly realistic.)
4) “Reality Bites” A movie that nails many aspects of being 22 much better than St. Elmo’s–mostly the terrible jobs, group housing, ill-advised hookups between friends, and the smoking; my god, the smoking. I love that movie. Incidentally, while looking for a good clip from it, I found this. My jaw is still on the floor at the awesomeness.
3) “Pulp Fiction” – Say what you will about the violence, the dialogue, Marcellus Wallace’s band-aid, the contents of that glowing box…what I remember about this movie is how every single character pretty much chain smokes throughout. It’s torture to sit through.
2) “200 Cigarettes” – Ok, obviously. It’s in the name of the movie. There is smoking throughout. And, by the way, I can’t decide if this movie is inexplicably bad or inexplicably good. When I first saw it I thought it was crap, but watching this trailer, doesn’t it look like it ought to be amazing? Dave Chapelle and Janeane Garafalo and Paul Rudd (pre-Apatow, when he was far more tolerable)?? This movie should be the business. Maybe I should re-watch. And just fast forward through the Cristina Ricci scenes.
1) “Good Will Hunting” – Damn, this is the second movie list I’ve made this month that has both “Pulp Fiction” and GWH in it, and yet for totally different reasons. But regardless, I’d sit in rapture watching Matt Damon do just about anything, including smoke. Which he does. Liberally. Throughout. I’m sorry, what were we talking about?
Facebook’s contextual ads are a constant source of amusement for me.
If I am on a good running kick, they make me feel good with constant ads for various running-related paraphernalia. If I am on my usual lazy-assedness kick, I get to feel crappy about myself with nearly constant ads of people with muffin tops claiming that Acai Berries saved their lives or some nonsense that cannot possibly be true.
(Side rant: I can’t understand people who fall for the latest “fad” in weight loss. If they ever actually DID discover some miracle that can actually make fatties thin, I’d be all over it, but so would every single reputable news organization in the WORLD. Odds are it would be backed by enough venture capital to buy and sell Jupiter, and wouldn’t, you know, require $50 a day Facebook ads to market it.)
I’m not sure what I said or posted that caused the above ads to pop up today, but I couldn’t resist a screen capture. First off, “Accepting Virginia Babies”? Into what? Why do I feel that people clicking on that ad will be encouraged to bring their babies to an un air-conditioned room at a Red Roof Inn to meet with a suspect “baby modeling agent” with a porn-stache?
Your baby has potential, baby.
Second, the obvious humor in the juxtaposition of a birth control ad and a “hey, you must have a baby!” ad totally killed me. To say nothing of immediately making me think of one of the best “Seinfeld” episodes ever.
Regardless, I will take sponges and babies any day over my usual ads, which tend to lean towards “You’re a dried up spinster with cobwebs in your womb, you’d better click here to find a guy pathetic enough to want to marry you, despite your obvious physical deformities!” any day.
