So my sister, Brooke, is running the Mardi Gras Marathon in New Orleans tomorrow, and I’d be remiss if I didn’t write a post wishing her luck. She’s been training for about a year now, is in redonkulously fantastic shape (and taking no end of grief from me about it, considering I myself am only “in shape” if the shape you are referring to is “spherical”), and I’m sure she’s going to do great.
Growing up with her was basically what it must have felt like to have been Prince Harry (before Harry got all smoking hot and Prince William grew a little more balding and horsey-faced with each passing day). She was always thin, blonde, blue-eyed, and gorgeous where I was chunky, frizzy-haired, lazy-eyed and generally troll-like.
just about right...
So the fact that we made it through adolescence (despite a few awful incidents that involved flying books, one steak knife, and lots of spitting) (don’t ask) and ended up in adulthood as great friends without me resenting the hell out of her whole existence speaks volumes about her coolness (clearly, my own coolness was never in question).
If you’re interested in running, you should definitely check out her blog–it’s actually really popular, I’m amazed at how many comments her posts get–and maybe leave her a comment wishing her luck. It’s her first marathon, so she’s just looking to finish without any of the following happening:
Massive coronary
Excessive toenail casualties
Loss of bladder control
And, of course, pants-crapping. I told her today that all I really know about running marathons is that sometimes people crap their pants, and that she really ought to be careful. She assured me that would not be an issue, but like a good little sister I reminded her that generally when people crap themselves it’s becasue they had no choice in the matter. She appears, however, undeterred.
I wish I could be there, because I would insist that she celebrate the accomplishment by going to the drive-thru daquiri place, and then maybe that bar near her place with all the hula-hoops. WHOO!
Huuula hooop!
Now, if you’re excuse me, I have to go to the gym to start in on my catching up with her fitness train—even if I’m currently still holding out hope that after 31 years, she’ll enter her “balding, horsey-faced, Prince William” phase any moment.
My friend Matt O’Malley (aka “Big Red,” aka “Moma,” aka “Underpants”) posted a transcript on his blog of our recent IM chat about what’s happening on “Lost.”
Generally speaking, this is a b.s. way to get out of writing. And considering that “b.s. ways to get out of writing” was practically my college major, I’m all for it! Heck, I might just make it a running feature. Since not everyone likes “Lost” (the incredibly stupid, for example, or communists), I’ll go with an exchange I had with my friend Sara (aka “Taco Salad”) this week, in which we used our cramped kitchens as a metaphor for life.
(I, unlike Big Red, edited this for grammar and typos, so as to make us seem much smarter than we are.)
Me: Dude, I’m so proud of myself, I cooked last night. I made chicken, and steamed broccoli, and even mashed potatoes. It’s like I was a normal person for a night.
Taco Salad: Nice job! I should cook. I have such a small kitchen though.
Me: Hey, my kitchen is hardly big.
Taco Salad: It’s bigger than mine!
Me: I don’t have a dishwasher though, so making dinner kind of sucked because I had to do my dishes so the maintenance man coming the next day wouldn’t think I was a pig.
Taco Salad: I don’t have a dishwasher either! And I’m totally jealous of your kitchen. You have all that cabinet space.
Me: I have extra kitchen cabinets, you have a loving husband and a cute baby. I think it’s a wash.
Taco Salad: Fair enough.
…
Taco Salad: I’ll totally trade you for the cabinets and a dishwasher.
Me: Throw in the dog and you got yourself a deal, sister.
I love my Wii Fit. If I don’t have time or motivation to hit the gym, it’s a great way to at least move around, and some of the exercises are actually fairly difficult and I feel like I’m actually working out rather than playing a silly video game.
But my favorite part are the “Tips,” where they weigh you and then give you helpful hints about getting enough rest, and drinking water, and making sure to do something every day. Then last night I got this.
Wow, thanks, Wii Fit! And just when I was starting to feel good about myself!
My cat is using my bedroom rug as camouflage, no doubt in some sinister plot to trip me and cause grave injury. Must remember to be extra generous with the catnip tonight.
So, I have a Snuggie. That’s right, a Snuggie. I was watching late night television at my friend Jeff’s house, the commercial came on, and we all stood agape, overcome by the warm, fuzzy glory of such a momentous invention. A blanket…with sleeves!
Think of the possibilities! By now, we should all have realized that the Snuggie can do a lot more for a person than give them a quick and dirty Halloween costume (monk, Jedi, cult member, wizard..the possibilities are endless!) or particularly brilliant conversation piece (”Is that a Snuggie?” “Why yes, my child, would you like me to hear your confession?”)
Aside from costumes and comedy, a Snuggie is to keep warm while maintaining use of your hands. You can drink a beverage, read a book, hold the remote, you can even type on your laptop, perhaps on a blog post about your love of the Snuggie and other As Seen on TV Products. Yes, that’s right, the Snuggie is not the only wondrous product available to drunks and insomniacs.
Perhaps I can interest you in some Ped Egg foot shavings?
Mmm, foot shavings!
Or maybe you would like some delicious half-moon shaped treats made in the GT Express 101, the informercial product that encourages you to melt candy bars into your Betty Crocker cake mix?
GT Express: Advanced heart disease in one month or your money back! (Candy bars not included)
It’s true, my deep and unabiding love of the As Seen on TV section of Bed, Bath & Beyond is a pervasive and incurable sickness. But tell me you’ve never been tempted to buy that super-absorbent towel when you’re watching TV in the middle of the night? Just me, then?
Never question a man with a ShamWow and a headset.
In the end, however, it all comes back to the Snuggie…and only fellow Snuggie enthusiasts can truly understand. But just trust me, the next time you see a family of Snuggie-wearers at an outdoor sporting event, just know: they may look like a gang of fleece-wearing Scientologists on the hunt for Thetans, but they are absolutely warmer than you are.
When you’re on television with great frequency, and you’re kind of a kook, I can understand how it’s possible to occasionally say stuff that makes the average person go “wait…what?” John McLaughlin is one of the finest examples of this phenomenon. (See also: Banks, Tyra)
Which is why I found this random video so absurdly brilliant. It’s McLaughlin in all his ridiculous glory (”the next man to walk on the moon will be Chinese!”), and the fact that it also features Pat Buchanan and a little ditty that will (no “probably” here, it will) climb into your brain, dig in, and take hold like a parasitic ear worm is just the icing:
So, “Lost” is back. Though it might really not be, it might actually be back three years ago, or four years from now, or is it possibly back at beer-thirty? (Actually probably not, but after the last two hours I could sure use a drink.)
My Thoughts While Watching:
Dr. Marvin Candle (!!!!) was married to a lady who kind of looks like Sun, had a baby, and didn’t need a freaking script to make those orientation videos.
Daniel Faraday knows a LOT. What he knows, I have no idea. They might have explained it, but I basically just sat there looking like I was trying to divide 26,392 by 34 in my head every time he came on screen.
Sawyer should really just never wear a shirt, but he really ought to wear shoes.
Sun is playing her cards close to her vest–she wants Ben dead, but methinks she wants Kate dead too. She was gunning for the Queen of Passive Aggressive Comments tonight, and was oddly menacing, and I loved it. I want her and Sayid to team up to fight crime. I can’t wait until we learn she has secret ninja skills (what–like you’d be surprised?).
ETHAN!!!! (aka Tom Cruise’s cousin, which is the only thing I ever think when I see him.)
So can you take anything you touch with you when you shift? That’s the only explanation for Locke having the compass. Was the compass one of the things that the (super smoking hot) never-aging Richard put on the table for him in that old flashback of Young Locke?
How is it that no one ever gets bug bites on the Island?
FIRE ARROWS. FIRE ARROWS!!!!!
Ok, I’m sorry, but I know this about life and Hurley would too–a random gas station is never going to have a random t-shirt in XXXXL, shih-tzu or otherwise. And what is the significance of the shih-tzu!??? I must know!!!!!
Please tell me the butcher lady is going to keep BenthamLocke in the meat locker. Because that would be awesome.
IS THE BUTCHER LADY MONK LADY WEARING THE SNUGGIE AT THE END DANIEL’S MOTHER??????
….
Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to try to sleep but will likely just be staring into the ceiling making this face:
I think we can all agree what the real most important event this week is–obviously, it’s the return of “Lost” to the airwaves. Tune in tonight at 9 pm on ABC! I’ll likely post my thoughts on it afterwards, which may or may not focus solely on the fact that my sources tell me Sawyer spends the duration of the season premiere shirtless. Ahem.
(Of course, I also swore last week that I’d post my thoughts on “Grey’s Anatomy,” but didn’t. This could be because I find the current focus on Izzies “relationship” with the (hallucination?) ghost of her dead fiance so patently absurd that I’m refusing to acknowledge it…or it could be because I am extremely lazy. Take your pick!)
Stevie Wonders why he's sharing a stage with Shakira, too.
I attended the “We are One” concert on the National Mall yesterday. I had preemo, VIP seating of course. Sure, I didn’t have a ticket, but you should have seen my own private jumbotron right in front of the Washington Monument…right next to the 400,000 other people who were there, heh.
Regardless, it was amazing. The Mall was packed from Lincoln to Washington and beyond, and everyone was just about bursting over with joy and excitement. I’ve attended two other inaugurations, one Dem (Clinton 96, which was rather ho-hum) and one GOP (Bush 2000, which was naturally significantly affected by the weeks-long Florida mess), and I’ve honestly never seen anything like this. I voted for Clinton in the primary, I was never even that in the tank for Obama, but even I couldn’t help but be overwhelmed by it all.
It wasn’t all “Yay, ‘Murrica,” though, there were also some great performances, some whacky pairings and awkward moments. Here’s my rundown:
Most Surreal “Only in DC” Moment: Amid thousands of revelers were naturally some protesters looking to cash in on the captive audience. So, on Constitution Ave there were a group of religious zealots holding signs that read “Homo-sex is a threat to national security” and “God will punish the homo’s (sic)”. People were heckling them a bit, but when two older gay men started making out right in front of them, everyone on the street started cheering, and the guy with the megaphone was speechless for a couple moments before he started back in with his rants. It made my plan about snootily informing them of the massive typo on their signs seem somehow less effective.
Craziest Presenter: I’m going to have to go with Kumar (aka actor Kal Penn) on this one. How many people who don’t watch “House” even know who this guy is? The people in my section were either saying “Kumar!” or “…who??” when he was announced. But considering Rosario Dawson was also present (after hosting “SNL” the night before..when did she suddenly become hot? What has she even been in lately? Am I getting old for not knowing?) (Don’t answer that…), I’m thinking you didn’t necessarily have to be A-list to take part. Obama is inclusive to all crappy celebrities!
Best Unintentional Comedy: This one is a tough category, considering we had the poor Navy guy kind of botching the national anthem, and a couple of bald eagles who looked like they were being tortured as the audience murmured in horror, but it obviously goes to Obama’s niece, who was passed out cold behind him and showed up every time the jumbotron cut to the president-elect awkwardly bopping his head to the music. I honestly cannot do the comedy justice, you really had to be there, the crowd went nuts every time they showed her.
Zzzz....
Biggest Chills/Tears Moment: As my friend Jeff said afterwards, “I got the chills so many times I think I am going to catch a cold.” He was right, there were a lot of chills-worthy moments, and some amazing performances. But honestly, the moment that I got a little choked up came when Mellencamp did “Pink Houses.” The crowd was way, way into it, singing along to the chorus (..”ain’t that America, home of the free”) and his perfomance was the best of the day up to that point. It helped that it followed a fairly boring speech from Biden. The crowd needed a little energy, and Mellencamp delivered (even though I still call him “John Cougar Mallomar” in my head, as an extremely obscure “Beavis and Butthead” reference) (yes, I’m 12).
Lamest Attempt at Chills/Tears (FAIL): Tom Hanks and his extended, boring as hell tribute to Abe Lincoln. Lincoln got props all day long, naturally. Quotes and close-ups on his portrait and the even the monument itself was lit in a way I’ve never seen in all my years in DC. It was pretty special, right up until Hanks and his overinflated sense of “Tom Hanks-Wannabe American History Professor Since 1994″ bravado came in and bored the crowd to tears in an endless monologue. I’m normally moved by such things, but found myself saying, “Screw this, where the hell is Beyonce?”
Biggest Letdown: Beyonce was pure class and fully awesome at signing “America the Beautiful,” but I was fully disappointed she didn’t end up stopping halfway through and ripping off her conservative trenchcoat get up to reveal her “Single Ladies” leotard get-up and launching into “..if you like it then you shoulda put a ring on it!” Tell me Sasha and Malia wouldn’t have loved that.
Biggest Letdown Part Two: Okay. Someone explain to me why on EARTH Stevie Wonder had to share the stage with Usher and Shakira?? Is it suddently 2003, because that’s the last time I remember either of them being all that relevant, and Stevie is a freaking legend. I’m sure it was quite the moment for them, but he deserved way better than that. U2, who aren’t even American, get two full songs (not that they weren’t great, they were…but not the best; more on that later) and Stevie has to sit up there with Shakira’s crappy “Joe Lieberman with acid reflux voice” warbling in his ear? Where is the justice in that?? I did love that they did “Higher Ground” though, which will always and forever be known to me only as “that song from ‘Center Stage‘”.
Cheesiest “Awww” Moment: I honestly don’t think I’ll ever be involved in another 400,000 person singalong of “This Land is Your Land” ever again. It was utterly heartwarming (even for a cranky cynic like me) and adorable, as was Pete Seeger’s banjo and hat. Though I really wanted him to wear a coat, what is he, 80?
Hands Down, Best Moment of the Day: Garth Brooks by a country (heh) mile. He was amazing. Others have complained that U2 got only two songs and Stevie only one, while Garth got three…but man. I challenge anyone to get either of those other two to recreate the electricity in the crowd when he did “Shout.” It was phenomenal. This was the best video I could find of it so far, and it doesn’t even come close to matching what it was like to be there in person. I wouldn’t throw around the words “unbridled joy” without thinking twice, but that’s really what it was.
That’s my wrap-up. Were you there? Did you watch on TV? What were your favorite moments?
(I really hope those eagles are ok, better than these Eagles anyway, heh…)
As I pointed out in the comment’s on my friend Momsey’s (that’s Matt O’Malley to you) blog earlier today, everything is funnier in German. This commercial is no exception.
I have no idea what they’re saying, but the point is clear. Somewhere in Germany there’s apparently a couple that need to be my best friends, because they have a house with two walk-in closets filled with my two favorite things: shoes and beers.
