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Here I am, wrapped in a Snuggie because my heat is apparently broken, innocently watching “60 Minutes” because I was interested in the segment on famous shipwrecks (hey, I’ve been a Titanic junkie since I spent all of 1998 swooning over Leo with the rest of the 18 year olds) (okay, 14 year olds), and suddenly, I see this:

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Transcript becuase the embed video apparently isn’t working (emphasis mine): “Want to do something special for your woman this Christmas? Call her doctor and schedule her pap smear. Pap smears save lives. This Christmas impress her–give her the gift that even Santa can’t deliver.” (Background: “Ho, ho, ho!”)

YIKES. I honestly rewound three times and watched it over and over, waiting for Kristen Wig to come into the frame and prove that this was some sort of SNL promo bonus skit….on CBS. YIKES. Even worse? At the next commercial break, I saw this:

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Transcript (emphasis mine): “Want to do something special for your woman this Hannukah? Schedule her pap smear! Just a “schmear” could save her life. Light up her menorah with the gift that says, ‘you look great, but it’s what’s inside that counts!’”

I’m sorry…did they really just compare a vaginal exam to…cream cheese?

Why yes, as a matter of fact they did.

Quick poll: What’s the worse holiday gift, a pap smear or the dog Snuggie? (h/t Momsey)

Seven Items From The Last Month While Y’all Have Been Whining About My Absence:

1) Vacation in Cancun that sucked so bad it was almost comical. It rained every day. All day. No kidding. And when it wasn’t raining, it was cold (no kidding) and windy (hello, Hurrican Ida…’sup?). I dealt with it by reading. And drinking relaxing. Here is the obligatory cartoon.

(Note my lack of tan. Thanks for the memories, Cancun!)

2) Do you ever feel a little ashamed when you see something in the Sky Mall that you would SO TOTALLY BUY? For example, the brownie pan that makes the whole batch turn out like the chewy edges! Omg, WANT.

3) Luckily, the next thing I saw was this. You heat them up in the microwave. Stressed out? Just throw your adorable pet husky into the microwave, and then wrap its hot, limp corpse around your neck and shoulders. Who needs a spa??

4) Facebook Relationship Ad Advice Update: Last time, Facebook had me stalking my boyfriend to ensure fidelity. A couple weeks ago, I seemed to have moved past the Needy Stalker phase and into the Pressuring for a Ring phase. Thanks, Facebook–without you, how would I know how my relationship was progressing?

5) Two Random 90’s Movie Reviews: Every time I watch “The Parent Trap”, I think two things: one, that Lindsay Lohan was a truly adorable, talented kid, which is so sad considering.

Cocaine's a helluva drug, y'all.

And second, the whole plot of this film hinges on the notion that two parents, finding themselves unable to get along, would simply split up their infant twin daughters in a semi-King Solomon style, and abandon them to the other for life. This scenario is accepted as pretty much totally fine by just about everyone, including the twins in question even after they discover they’ve been denied both a sibling and a parent (to say nothing of grandparents, etc.) for their entire lives. WTF, people. In reality, everyone involved in a situation like this would be in serious therapy at a minimum and family court for certain. Honestly.

Also–have you ever watched “Cats & Dogs”? This movie is fricking brilliant. I love it. Can’t help it–seriously, Netflix it if you don’t believe me! Siamese cats as ninjas? Omg, seriously. And I do believe Mr. Tinkles is the greatest movie villain of all time. He’s way more evil than that guy in “No Country for Old Men” who kills people with that helium tank or whatever.

6) Ok, so I actually only had five things. But the Patriots game is on at the same time as Family Guy, and switching back and forth between the two has been quite distracting. I’ll try to update again before Christmas though, m’kay?