SarahWurrey.com

Smiling's my favorite

“What is that?”
“What?”
“That stench?”
“Oh that, my shoes.”
“Why do they reek?”
“Because I’ve worn them without socks for about four days straight.”
“Yeah, you’re throwing those out.”
“No way! They were 75 bucks!”
“What is that, one dollar for every time they have made me want to puke in the last five minutes?”
“They just need to air out.”
“Yeah, in the garage. In a bag, with the rest of the trash.”

“What are you wearing tonight?”
“Jeans.”
“Which jeans…????”
“I have seven pair to choose from, which do you prefer?”
“The ones that look the least farmerish.”
“Aren’t all jeans technically farmerish? Weren’t they invented for farmers?”
“You’re wearing Dockers.”

“Who’s doing tuna?”
“You are cutting the crusts off all wrong.”
“No, I am doing shrimp.”
“Now what the hell is THAT smell?”
“Actually, I thought that was you.”
“No, you don’t gouge, you saw gently. No. NO. Stop gouging!”
“That towel is so not wet enough.”
“Seriously, that smell!”
“It’s the egg salad.”
“Is the egg salad from 1972? Because that’s before I was born, by a lot. And that’s what it smells like.”
“Egg salad just smells that way. It needs onions.”
“You thought it was me?”
“Well, what can I say, you can clear a room.”
“Honestly.”
“Are we out of shrimp before we’re out of bread?”
“What’s with this bread? This is Wonder Bread?”
“Seriously low on tuna over here.”
“Your shoes and feet this morning were WAY worse than–”
“I can see through this bread.”
“Wonder Bread sucks now, really–you used to be able to ball it up.”
“Yeah! That’s what we need!”
“I don’t smell anywhere near as bad as–”
“PHONE!”

“Hello?”
“Hellooo?”
“Oh my god you HAVE to take that off speaker.”
“I’m on speaker?”
“Turn. It. Off.”
“How?”
“Beeepe beep beep beep.”
“Mom! MOM! MOOOOM!”
“Hello?”
“…”

“Is this too tight?”
“No but….”
“Do this, do this! Haaahaha”
“Shut up it does not.”
“What is that?”
“Touchdoooown!”
“I really just want to know if it looks too tight.”
“I’ll only tell you if you say ‘FACEMASK, 20 yard penalty! Still first down!”
“It also almost looks like she’s planning some sort of invasion. Those buttons are very militaryish.”
“TOO TIGHT OR NOT????”
“Wait–when did you escape? I’m not sure we should harboring felons.”
“I thought I was an umpire, stick with one.”
“No no, not an umpire, a referee.”
“There’s a difference?”
“How long have you been working at Foot Locker? HEY-YO!”

And that’s just in the last four hours. And my sister isn’t even here yet. Merry Christmas, one and all!