SarahWurrey.com

I will be updating every commercial break, scroll down from top:

8:00: We’re off! OMG. First “Squeeeee!” of the night for me. Tim Gunn and Kate Winslet sharing the same stage. I had no idea he was co-hosting the Red Carpet. That’s amazing. Kate looks magnificent, of course, but I liked her Globes dress better.

8:02: I can’t watch Josh Brolin and Diane Lane being interviewed without hoping the interviewer will be ballsy and ask them to comment on the Chris Brown/Rihanna thing (They were involved in their own domestic violence incident some time back). Obviously won’t happen. Her dress is blah.

8:03 Tim rushes through an interview with Amy Adams, who looks flawless, but I despise her choker. Nina would say it “doesn’t look expensive.”

8:04: I freaking love Taraji P. Henson. Her personality pwns.

8:06: Tim Gunn accosts Angelina and Brad, who run from him like they are on fire even has he screeches that they are “glorious.” I am sick and tired of their bullcrap–you’re both nominated for Oscars, you’re an A-list couple, and you are the most famous people in America. You’re going to get reporters asking you stuff. Stop for 30 seconds and answer a couple of effing questions, it is not going to kill you. Plus, it’s Tim Gunn! Come on!!!!!

8:10: Gunn inteviews Valentino, whose tan should fight George Hamilton’s tan in a cage match to determine the World’ Greatest Old Man Tan.

8:16: The cuteness of Tim Gunn asking Anne Hathaway about her underwear (accidentally) is threatening to take over the cuteness of the Slumdog Millionaire moppets.

8:19: Montage! Something about accountants and how much they suck, or something. Ah, the guys who counted the ballts get to walk the Red Carpet, awkwardly and cutely while Tim Gunn narrates their outfits. Have I mentioned yet that I love Tim Gunn?

8:22: I am noticing that, as predicted, the dresses and jewels are a bit understated this year as a nod to the crap economy. As if we are somehow unaware that these celebs can all buy and sell us, our families and our pets like 100 times over just because they went with the $50,000 studs rather than the $500,000 chandelier earrings. For goodness’ sake, is a little escapism too much to ask for?

8:28: The pre-show finishes with a mind-numbing sequence about the stage that lasts for five minutes almost. They had time for that but not for talking to Kate WInslet for longer than 30 seconds? Nice.

Time to start the show, see it after the jump!

8:30: Hugh Jackman! He should have come out covered in fake poo or something. That’s what Billy Crystal would have done (seriously, can you imagine Billy’s take on the poo sequence in Slumdog? That would have killed.)

8:32: Hm. The stage looks something like a bad nightclub. Reminds me of like, Lulu’s, circa 1999 or something.

8:33: Recession fueled Slumdog number actually has the poo joke! Ha!

8:35: 1) Anne Hathaway can sing????? Awesomely??? Also, 2) Doing the Robot for sequence about The Reader because he hasn’t seen it? That was freaking awesome.

8:38: The cardboard Oscar statues while Jackman belts out “I’m Wolveriiiiiine!” might have been the greatest thing I’ve ever seen on TV. That was amazing.

8:40 Hugh lets Brangelina off the hook. Thank god.

8:42: First big award of the night! Best supporting actress. I had predicted Amy Adams. Let’s see what happens, after this RIDICULOUSLY LONG montage of past winners, followed by like a hundred people up on stage to announce the nominees. Wtf?

8:43: Ok, seriously, if they are going to do this for every acting award, we’re going to be here for about 6 hours. Holy crap. I mean, it’s kind of lovely, the way they are giving each nominated actress their due. But get on with it already. Seriously? This is horrible.

8:46; Goldie Hawn has some astounding tan lines. And her nipples are about this close to coming out. My sister just texted: “Goldie has armpit boobs!”

8:47: Penelope Cruz? Wow. Shocking win, I think, for the night’s first award. Also shocking? The miniscule, barely there appearance of her waistline. Scarlett O’hara, she is thin!

8:50: Nine minutes to dole out one award? Crikey. I also despise the loss of the clips for the nominees. I love Oscar clips, especially when they are weird.

8:53: Steve Martin and Tina Fey, FTW. Gavin Velour! “To write is to live forever. The man who wrote that…is dead.”

8:54: Scientology joke without a pan to a prominent Scientologist in the audience? Fail. (Good joke though…)

8:55 Loving the screenplay gimmick of reading the written directions. I hope “WALL-E” wins. Drat, bested by “Milk.” Oh well.

8:57: I have heard that “Milk” is amazing. Also amazing, the screenwriter’s moving, emotional acceptance speech. I hate politics injected into proceedings like this, but that was well done. Wow.

8:59: Slumdog gets its first of what will no doubt be a slew of wins. I was expecting a surprise Frost/Nixon win, or hoping for it…The speech is also great. These guys are winning writers for a reason.

9:03: Aniston!!!! Where’s the pan to Brangelina? Come ON!???

9:03: Yes! Angie! She was grinning wildly as if thinking, “oh god they are going to pan to me and if I am not smiling they will keep up that ‘homewrecker tramp beyotch’ thing, and oh god I have to keep smiling but I am soooo not used to this facial expression and omg, ok, just think of Shiloh or something, that’s happy right? Juuuuust keep smiling!”

9:08: Aniston is doing a crap job with her Jack Black banter. She really must be sweating bullets up there.

9:10 Petit cubes? This is an animated short written about my office! The winner pulls out “Domo arigato, Mr. Roboto” because he cannot speak English. I think Kate Winslet should try this gambit later.

9:15: After spending a long time watching “Sex and the City” reruns last weekend, I’m just going to say it. Did Sarah Jessica Parker have a boob job? By the way, this Oscars is going to last until about 4am ET. Giddy up.

9:19: Daniel Craig mind-read: “Don’t look at her bubbies, don’t look at her bubbies, don’t look at her bubbies….”

9:25: Ok, the makeup guy for “Benjamin Button” is talking like the MicroMachines guy.

9:26: Edward Cullen! Amanda Seyfried maybe shouldn’t have worn a red dress….ahem…I really need a Diet Coke. With Jack Daniels in it. This is making me miss “Veronica Mars.”

9:26: Montage! A love montage!!! This makes me want to see WALL-E. I confess, I kind of have a montage weakness. Everyone I know hates them, I adore them. Beyond all reason. And I shout things even when alone while watching them. “Brad!” “Marley!!” “Robot love!” It’s a sickness.

9:31 Ben Stiller making a Joaquin Phoenix joke. Yawn. Slumdog wins its second for cinematography. Why was The Reader even nominated in this category? Interesting movie with great acting, but it wasn’t much to look at, visually. Unless you’re a straight male, in which case you’ll be, ahem, quite interested.a

9:39: Jessica Biel’s hair looks like mine. When I sleep too late to take a shower and solve the problem with barrettes and hairspray.

9:40: Taking an Easy Mac break. Back when it gets interesting again. Where is Hugh?

9:47: I’ve downed an Easy Mac and am chugging a Diet Coke. Energy returning. I did not like the bit with the Pineapple Express guys, though I am quite certain some enterprising winner has already turned their Oscar into a bong.

9:48: I gotta say; I really prefer chubby Rogen. If he loses weight he’s going to go all Hollywood even more than he probably already has. Here’s hoping once he wraps the superhero movie he goes back to his lovable tubby self.

9:54: Beyonce….Ok, how can I say this about Beyonce? This is like BAD dinner theater. Seriously. And the high school musical kids are there. Oh. My. God.

9:56: I just threw up in my mouth a little. Heath Ledger is looking down all, “yeah I’m kind of glad I’m missing this.”

9:57 The only thing that could have salvaged that monstrosity would be if Hugh had busted out with his Wolverine claws and taken out the High School Musical people. Baz Luhrman was involved in this? Really? I will never watch “Moulin Rouge!” again!

(Okay, that’s a lie, I totally will.)

9:59 The only thing that could possibly worse than that musical number is this Sandra Bullock/Ryan Reynolds “Fun with sexual harassment and extortion!” movie.

10:03: Best Supporting Actor. Pretty obvious it’s going to be Heath. I hope he doesn’t win, just to hear the “Gasp!” from the audience. I’m loving that Christopher Walken is involved. He could have saved the musical monstrosity.

10:03 Seymour Philip Hoffman? I’d be thrown too Arkin–he’s apparently wearing a skull cap.

10:08 Entirely unsurprising Heath Ledger win, his family accepts. Very, very sad. He was my age. It’s all just so upsetting. Can’t realy make jokes here. Except maybe about the obligatory “Pan through the Very Serious Faces in the Audience” shots. Lord. (And, wow, John Mayer and Aniston in that shot! Thanks to Tracie at Jezebel for it…their live blog is way, way better than mine.)

10:15: Ok, I’ll admit it. My butt is starting to hurt from sitting here for 3 hours watching this. Or maybe it’s just pain from Bill Maher invading my screen. Barf. And he of course makes the joke about his crap movie not being nominated. It was funnier when Jack Black did it. In that it was funny at all, you smarmy douche.

10:17 I think the guy from Man on Wire who just balanced an Oscar upside down on his chin should just take over for Bill Maher here. Why not?

10:24 Another montage. Ok, this is dumb. You can’t even tell half the movies they are highlighting. And most of them were crap movies (”Hancock”, anyone?). Sorry, Will Smith. I love you, but Hancock was painful.

10:27 “Button” winning for best visual effects…I’m starting to wonder if maybe they might pull off the Best Picture win.

10:30: My friend James complains that he can only get the Oscars in Spanish. Don’t worry, James–you don’t need to understand Spanish to be able to appreciate the best moments of the night thus far, which involved Sarah Jessica Parker’s boobs, and Beyonce’s legs. And Hugh Jackman’s five pounds of makeup.

10:42 Eddie Murphy is clinging to that Oscar and thinking to himself “We couldn’t have held off on ‘Norbit’ until after the Oscars that year? Really?? REALLY???????? Damnit!”

10:46: My sister is mystified by Jerry Lewis’ bowtie, which looks like a Carrie Bradshaw flower.

10:55 The guy winning for Slumdog’s score is giving awkward jokes like a terrified guy at open mic night at a comedy club or something. Awesome. For some reason he reminds me of an Indian William Hung.

11:01 I am starting to tire. My cats and butt are all sound asleep. I am jealous of them.

11:03 “Jai Ho” wins for Best Song, and William Hung is back to accept. This song is pretty great, would be good at the gym. Oh yeah, I was going to go to the gym in the morning. Well, these fricking Oscars need to end soon then. Would it kill them to start this show at 8? That is, do the preshow at 730? I know it’s not “prime time” but I’d bet good money a lot of people would still watching. Srsly. Soooo sleepy, this live blog may end in about 5 minutes wit–zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzZZZ

11:11 Oh, Jesus–we’re only just to the Death Reel? Kill ME, please, this is neverending. Always compelling, since it is like a post-mortem popularity contest based on applause and-…what the hell is this? Queen Latifah is singing the death reel? Okay, then. Fair enough. Weird, but fair enough.

11:16 Ok, Hugh, you can still save this thing. What’s that? Why yes, yes it does involve taking your shirt off.

11:20 Danny Boyle takes Best Director for Slumdog–this probably means that it will win Best Picture. Does that mean I can go to bed? Blerrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrghghghghgh!

11:26 Oooh, Best Actress! Go Kate! Absolutely despise that “glittery black applique” seems to be the trend in Oscar dresses this year. Yes, I’m talking to you, Halle Berry. And Reese Witherspoon. And Queen Latifah. And Freida Pinto…it’s never ending ugly black applique. Oh! Marion Cottillard too!

11:29 I’m starting to anticipate some sort of crazy upset….

11:32 YES! I just love Kate Winslet, I can’t help it. I think it was her insanely ugly Oscars dress in 1998 that did me in. Swoooon. (Ugly black applique on her too though, siiigh.)

11:34 Not to mention, I absolutely did a Shampoo Bottle Oscars Acceptance Speech growing up too.

11:37 Wait…Michael Douglas has an Oscar?

11:42 I’m really missing the clips. These silly tongue baths from former winners are not as good as clips–what about those of us who haven’t seen these movies?

11:44 Sean Penn pulls out the upset, as I half predicted in my picks earlier. I should have stuck with it, but went with Rourke after all. Bah. “Commie, homo-loving sons of guns.” I’m going to start calling everyone that. Damn, now I have to see this movie.

11:52: HAHA, another brilliant screen grab from Tracie at Jezebel–Jen being glad that Brad lost. Hee!

11:53: Slumdog wins. It really was a good movie, I recommend it.

And that does it for me folks. My butt hurts, my cats are passed out, the two Diet Cokes will probably keep me up half the night and the gym is looking less likely. But I made it! Good night.