Lessons from the Snowpocalypse
If you live on the East Coast, or own a TV, you might know that my neck of the woods has gotten blasted in the last couple days with about ten thousand tons of snow. Here are just a few things I’ve learned in the last 48 hours:
Lesson #1: Sometimes, the Crazy Grocery Store People Are Right
My fellow New Englanders and I enjoy mocking all the crazed DC french toast enthusiasts who relieve the Harris Teeter of its entire egg/milk/bread supply in the 24 hours before even the slightest flurry. But seeing as how I was trapped in my boyfriend’s apartment for 36 hours this weekend with no hope of rescue, it turns out the crazies might have a point. Lucky for me, said boyfriend is a chef. There was plenty of food. But imagine if there weren’t!!! I mean, what would I have done about my boredom eating?
Lesson #2: Uggs Are NOT Snow Boots
Uggs are many things. Comfy, warm, remarkably unattractive, worn frequently by teenagers with their miniskirts on the hottest day of summer in an effort to enrage me. They are also $150. What they are NOT? Is snow boots. Trust.
Lesson #3: Snow Only Covers Poo, It Does Not Vaporize It
No one, and I mean no one, cleans up their dog’s crap when they walk it in the snow. Is that some sort of unspoken pet owner code? Like, “well, we have to walk these nasty mongrels in a damn blizzard, so no way am I picking up any poops. Just no.”
Lesson #4: Booze Can Solve All Your Problems
The snow wouldn’t stop for several more hours, but things really warmed up in our house when I remembered about that full bottle of Jack Daniels in the liquor cabinet.
Lesson #5: SUVs Don’t Mean ANYTHING
People who drive SUVs are some of the biggest idiots you’ll ever meet. As a reasonable, sensible, intelligent person, I think “well 4 wheel drive would be nice, but it sure won’t help me in a damn blizzard with five-foot snow drifts.” An SUV driver on the other hand, will say “Bizzard? WHAT blizzard? I can drive 90 mph la la la, four wheel drive, la la laaaa!” (crash)
Lesson #6: Putting Your Windshield Wipers Up In the Air Really Doesn’t Make a Difference Sometimes
I have to disagree with #6. Somebody knows exactly what mountain of snow their car is buried under. Unfortunately, that car is so low to the ground, it’s likely a sports car, so seeing out the windshield is the least of his worries.
Several things: 1) Why would you put your windshield wipers in the air? 2) I’m pretty sure I’d just let my dogs poop in the house and clean it up so I wouldn’t have to go outside in all that snow. Besides, I don’t think my dogs would want anything to do with that seeing as they won’t go outside when it’s raining. 3) When we have hurricanes here, there is always a run on the liquor first. How are you supposed to kill 36 hours with no power other than downing a few cases of warm bud light?
Well leaving your windshield wipers in the air during a minor storm or a wintry mix has a purpose, as it prevents them from becoming frozen to the windsheild and coated in ice. But in a storm like this, it’s just stupid. I saw TONS of cars with their wipers up and buried like this, they just looked so pathetic!
And trust me, after 3/4 of a bottle of Jack Daniels, the last thing I was thinking about was the terrible weather–so you are totally right on about the booze.