Sarah Santucci

It’s possible that I’ve quit smoking.

It’s been over a month since I’ve had one, and just about 2 months, I think, since I’ve smoked more than one or two. I can’t even remember, actually. So it’s possible that I’ve quit. As I wrote last year, the thought of quitting smoking seemed like some unbearable punishment. Mostly because, as everyone knows, smoking is awesome. (Remember kids, don’t smoke! Because it’s awesome, so you will never, ever be able to stop, and then you’ll end up accidentally essploding your oxygen tank, like happened in that one episode of that hospital show I saw that time, with the doctors who make out in supply rooms all up against the sterile equipment and stuff. Gross, doctors!)

My reasons for quitting can be boiled down thusly:

1) The awesomeness tax that has swept the nation has caused the price of a single pack of smokes to skyrocket to approximately $147. I could buy a ticket on Southwest for that, and go to Phoenix or something!

2) People hate awesomeness. They don’t let you smoke, anywhere. Not even at outdoor bars, where it is acceptable to smoke only if you get up out of your chair and take one large step to the left, to the other side of the invisible smoke forcefield.

3) My boyfriend made me.

Number three is highly problematic for a fire-breathing dragon-lady feminist like myself. It requires many rationalizations, such as:

1) Is smoking really worth fighting for as a feminist sticking point? Well, of course it is, if you really think about it, but on the surface: no.

2) I have a chit to cash in whenever I feel like it!

“I gave up smoking for you, and you can’t even shut the shower curtain after your shower? Well, I nevah!!!!”

3) I’m certainly not doing anything else that I started doing when I was 17. Do I have Leonardo DiCaprio pictures on my wall? Do I wear tie-dye shirts and Birkenstocks and flannel shirts every day? (What? It was the 90s!) Do I listen to Smashing Pumpkins albums on repeat, searching for hidden messages sent straight from Billy Corgan to my damaged teenage soul?

No, no, and BWAAHAHAHAH, no. So why am I still smoking?

Of course, now that I’ve written this blog I will no doubt set out to chain smoke at my earliest convenience, having irrevocably jinxed my chances of making this hiatus permanent. I’ll let you know.

This post at Pandagon had me cracking up.

Essentially, a blogger posted a bit of a web rant warning of the dangers of little Miley Cyrus and her possible foray from pop music into country. In short, the blogger was concerned that her somewhat tarted up image and alleged liberal leanings would taint the wholesomeness of country music.

I’m sorry…what?

Y’all, despite my Yankee status, I am a HUGE country fan. I love it; it is essentially all I listen to. A couple years ago, I even bought a “mega ticket” at the Nissan Pavillion (I refuse to call it by its new name) (snerk!) to go to 7 different country shows all in one summer. I wore a cowboy hat and sang along to every song. Zac Brown’s first big hit, “Chicken Fried,” might be one of my all-time favorite songs, and kinda makes me wish I was from Georgia. So please understand, what I’m about to say is coming from a place of love.

Country music ain’t wholesome.

This has driven me crazy for a while now, mainly because the country music station in DC edits the word “ass” out of the terrific Zac Brown Band song “Toes.” I’m always like, “Really? When every other country song is about killing someone? Really?”

No really, it’s true: So far as I can tell, many (many) country songs are about one of three things: Drinkin’, Cheatin’, or Murderin’. Don’t believe me? Let’s have some examples then, shall we?

Also–I am not judging…I think these songs are all pretty much awesome. Nothing wrong with a good honky tonk number — just feeling the need to point out the ridiculousness of the notion that country music could be “tainted” by, of all people, apple-cheeked little Miley Cyrus, who’s never sung a good drinkin’/cheatin’/murderin’ song in her entire young life.

Regardless — on to the categories!

Drinkin’ Songs:

Drunker than Me (Trent Tomlinson) – Guy is upset his previously teetotaling girlfriend has started boozing it up, forcing him to be the responsible one.
It’s 5 O’Clock Somewhere (Alan Jackson) – Guy blows off work to get drunk all afternoon.
Tequila Makes Her Clothes Fall Off (Joe Nichols) – Self explanatory.
All Jacked Up (Gretchen Wilson) – Lady goes to bar for just one drink, ends up getting hammered, knocking out another lady’s tooth, and then crashing her truck.
Ten Rounds With Jose Cuervo (Tracey Byrd) – As a down on his luck guy drinks ten shots, his night improves with every drink.

Cheatin’ Songs:

You Can’t Take the Honky Tonk Outta the Girl (Brooks & Dunn) - Drunken trollop from the big city returns home and runs off with her second cousin’s fiance the night before the wedding.
Stays in Mexico (Toby Keith) – An insurance salesman from South Dakota cheats on his wife and family with a first grade schoolteacher after too many margaritas in Mexico.
The Thunder Rolls (Garth Brooks) – This a Very! Serious! Song! about the dangers of cheating. Mainly? Women always know.
Before He Cheats (Carrie Underwood) – Guys: if you value your vehicles, don’t cheat on Carrie Underwood. For real.
Why Don’t You Stay (Sugarland) – In another Very! Serious! Song!, a lady having an affair with another woman’s hubby comes to her senses and dumps the guy.

Murderin’ Songs:

(Soooo many to choose from, so I’ve broken it up into “Fun ‘n’ Folksy Murderin’ Songs” and “Very! Serious! Murderin’ Songs.”)

Fun ‘n’ Folksy:

Goodbye Earl (Dixie Chicks) – A favorite of karaoke gals everywhere, who because of the funny and folksy tone of the song may not realize that the song is less about gal power than it is about a woman who is so brutally beaten by her husband that she enlists her childhood best friend to help her murder him.

Papa Loved Mama (Garth Brooks) – Upbeat number wherein the titual Papa puts Mama in the graveyard for stepping out on him. At least the song also points out that he ends up in jail.

Kerosene/Gunpowder and Lead (Miranda Lambert) – Kerosene = You Cheat, You Die! Gunpowder & Lead = You hit me, you die!

Very Serious Murderin’ Songs:

Independence Day (Martina McBride) – Beaten wife kills her husband and herself in a horrible fire. Upbeat!

Folsom Prison Blues (Johnny Cash) – Shot a man in Reno, just to watch him die. Classic lyric, still a very bad thing to do.

Cocaine Blues (Johnny Cash) – Has the bonus of being about murder AND drugs! Drugged out guy shoots his woman then sleeps with the gun under his pillow.

Whiskey Lullaby (Brad Paisley/Allison Krause) – Ok, so it’s about suicide, but it’s still pretty dark stuff. Actually this might be more of a drinkin’ song….because it’s about former lovers who drink themselves to death. One from heartbreak, one from guilt. I mean…wow, now I’m depressed.

What are your favorite delightfully UN-wholesome country songs?