Okay, lucky for him, Jon does not snore all the time.
Okay, that’s not true he totally does. But, lucky for him, he does not snore so loudly that it keeps me awake all the time. When he does? It’s World War 3 in Casa Wurrey.
There’s really not much a person can do. I usually refrain from Option A (pillow violence) and head straight for Option B (resentful couch sleeping). Why doesn’t HE sleep on the couch, you ask?
“Why don’t YOU go sleep on the couch?”
“Why should I? You’re the one who can’t sleep.”
“…rrrrrrr…”
“What are you doing with that pillow? GAAAGHGH!”
And the worst part of all of it is that no matter what the infomercials tell you, there is NO cure for snoring. None. No, none.
“Those nose strips though!”
No. Those nose strips are very useful if one has a cold and can’t breathe well. They are also very useful in taping one’s nose back to make pig faces (not that I’ve done that). What they are not useful for is snoring. Just stop saying that when you know it is not true.
Dr. Franks has an epic moustache. He also sells an “arthritis spray.” This man is very pro-spray. But if it worked, he wouldn’t hock it via infomercial and cheesy website.
One thing I do like about Dr. Franks and other anti-snoring infomercials is that they are clearly employing actresses who know exactly what it’s like to sleep next to a jet engine. This lady’s Faces of Exasperation and Requisite Pillow Violence are spot-on. Get this chick a guest-starring role on “Two and a Half Men.” She’s just that good.
(What? That would be a big step up from a Snoring Infomercial actress.)
I present to you, the Five Stages of Pillow Violence, courtesy of the “Z-Quiet Snoring Cure” commercial:
Stage One: Yep, He’s Snoring Again
Stage Two: Attempt to Stop it Via Evil Side-Eye
Stage Three: Resentment Builds, More Side-Eye
Stage Four: Futile Attempts at Rage Control
Stage Five: PILLOW VIOLENCE!!!!
I’ve only resorted to pillow violence a couple of times. Normally I try to just gently place a pillow onto his face to muffle the sound. This technique is met with the same amount of anger as if I’d decided to solve the issue by beating him with a pillowcase full of hot nickels, so I’ve abandoned that as well.
Good thing I love my couch. Almost as much as I love him.
To be honest with you, my Oscar picks last year….sucked. I got Best Picture, Director, Supporting Actor and Adapted Screenplay right, but absolutely tanked the other categories. As an honest-to-god awards show junkie, it was a truly embarassing event. This year, there’s cold, hard, cash on the line as I’ve entered an Oscars pool — so I have to step up my game, y’all.
I’ve seen almost every film, though I may once again be making my best actor pick blind (I’m picking Jeff Bridges, and then seeing “Crazy Heart” later today; if I see it and hate it, me and The Dude are going to have some words). On to the picks!
Best Picture
Should Win: The Hurt Locker Will Win: Avatar
The Hurt Locker was hands down the best film of the year, and I have seen 9 of the 10 nominees, it’s definitely the best of the bunch. The problem is that “spectacle” movies like Avatar make tons of money, get tons of attention, and pretty much ride that wave to a Best Picture win despite being, when you think about it, nothing but popcorn movies. (See: Gladiator, Titanic, Lord of the Rings). I occasionally support Popcorn wins; I thought Braveheart earned its win, and even Titanic. But this year? No. Just no. Avatar was boring as hell, 30 minutes too long, and in the words of Simon Cowell, painfully self indulgent. Plus, Cameron is the official King of the World Jerks.
Still, sadly, it will likely win.
Best Director
Should Win: Kathryn Bigelow Will Win: Kathryn Bigelow
There’s no way she doesn’t win. Aside from doing an amazing job with the film, they’re going to give her this award to make up for her movie getting the shaft in the Best Picture race. Sometimes the Academy tries to be “fair” that way; like how they gave Russell Crowe an absolutely laughable Best Actor win for Gladiator to make up for him getting completely robbed of his deserved win for The Insider (have you ever seen that movie? It’s amazing; go get it on DVD, for real). Anyhow, she’s going to win, take it to the bank.
Best Actress
Should Win: Carey Mulligan Will Win: Meryl Streep
I picked Meryl to upset the frontrunner (Kate Winslet) last year, and I was totally wrong. So this year, I’m hoping for her to upset again, this time overtaking Sandra Bullock. I loved The Blind Side. But awarding Sandra for playing a brassy Southern Belle would be like giving Vince Vaughn an Oscar for his 18th performance as a “wisecracking man child with a heart of gold.” I’d like to hope that Gabourey Sidibe could pull off the upset too, because she just seems so damn likable and how often is a 300 pound black woman going to have a shot at a Best Actress Oscar? But her performance wasn’t as special as some would have you believe, and the Academy is already going to hit their Plus Sized Black Woman Oscar Winner quotient by giving Supporting Actress to Mo’Nique.
Speaking of….
Best Supporting Actress
Should Win: Mo’Nique Will Win: Mo’Nique
This win is the only slam dunk pick of the bunch. There’s basically no way she’s not getting it, and she was great in the movie. And I love that she talks honestly about how she doesn’t shave her legs and has an open marriage. She’s great. I loved Anna Kendrick in Up in the Air, so I’d almost like to see her upset if an upset is going to happen, but it probably won’t.
Best Actor
Should Win: Colin Firth Will Win: Jeff Bridges
As I said, I’m seeing Crazy Heart later today; but I’m basing my Colin Firth pick on the films I’ve seen thus far. He was so great in A Single Man, even if Tom Ford’s overly stylized and obvious direction made me want to puke, and Julianne Moore tried way, way too hard throughout her shrieky performance. However, from everything I’m reading, it looks like The Dude is going to make this happen. But that’s just like, my opinion, man.
Best Supporting Actor
Should Win: Christoph Waltz Will Win: Christoph Waltz
I forgot when pronouncing Mo’Nique the only slam dunk win that I was wrong–this is another slam dunk. And good for him, Hans Landa might be my favorite Tarantino villain since Mr. Blonde. Evil, suave, insanely intelligent, and rocking not only a badass full-length leather trench, but a giant Sherlock Holmes pipe. Love him.
Best Original Screenplay
Should Win: Inglourious Basterds Will Win: The Hurt Locker
Tarantino won for Pulp Fiction’s screenplay in 1995, and I think the script for Inglourious Basterds blows it out of the water. Unfortunately, The Hurt Locker is going to get the nod here — as another make-up award for screwing it out of Best Picture.
Best Adapted Screenplay
Should Win: Up in the Air Will Win: Up in the Air
I’d like to call a possible upset for An Education, but it faces the same problem that Carey Mulligan does in that not enough people saw it. Too bad, but I think Up in the Air will take this one home, and it was indeed a great script and a good movie, so I’m satisfied with it.
Best Animated Feature
Should Win: Up Will Win: Up
Ok, this movie made me weep real tears in the FIRST TEN MINUTES. It was so, so, good. Also: Talking Dog.
(Squirell!)
Also give this a big thumbs up for being the first animated film since my fave, Beauty in the Beast, to get the Best Picture nod.
That’s it! No live blog for the Oscars this year, as I’m attending a party to watch it with other actual humans. But you can entertain yourself with last year’s live blog, which has my favorite title I’ve ever given a post.
Here’s hoping I leave the party 20 whole dollars richer. Wahoo!
I’ve been meaning to write this post since last week. Perhaps I’ve been putting it off because my denial over the upcoming end of the best show on TV is pretty deep at this point.
That being said, some thoughts (if you haven’t seen the season premiere, this has spoilers for it):
- First off, if you’re not reading Jeff Jensen’s weekly recaps, you are doing yourself a grave disservice. I don’t know what he knows about anything else, but when it comes to LOST, he’s my own personal Einstein.
- Same goes for Jorge Garcia’s blog. Hurley is one of my favorites, and the actor who portrays him is equally awesome. He doesn’t actually discuss LOST that much, but it’s still a worthy read.
- I like to think that (some missteps aside) (Paolo and Nicki anyone?) the writers don’t do anything without a good reason. Which is the only thing I can think of to explain why, after the incredible finale last year when Juliet got sucked into the hatch and we all cried (or blubbered for about half an hour after the show ended, if you’re a loser like me), they would bother bringing her along back to 2007 with the other Lostaways only to die all over again. She had a perfect death scene, dare I say epic!
So, the only thing I can think of is that gibberish Juliet babbled at Sawyer (”lets get coffee sometime, we could go Dutch”) before finally kicking it will come back into play. THEORY ALERT! Maybe they re-meet in the alternate universe she created by setting off the bomb, and fall in love all over again. Personally, while I know many people are tickled by this theory, I think it’s a bunch of bullcrap. Because….
- If the alternate reality ends up being the final story (ie, that everyone on the island dies or something and ends up living the alternate life), I will basically firebomb ABC. As we’ve learned in just the first episode, there are many things that are quite different about this reality. Frankly, if we’re going by a “butterfly effect” thing here, where this alternate universe where the plane never crashed isn’t quite the same (notable differences include: Sayid being from Iran (?), Shannon not being on the plane, Desmond being on the plane, Charlie’s suicide attempt, Hurley being “lucky”, Sun (maybe) not speaking English), that means that these aren’t the characters we’ve invested years in rooting for. I don’t care about them. It was nice to see Boone again (mainly because he is smoking hot), but I could honestly give a crap–in my eyes, Boone died back in season one. And will the alternate reality give us updates on Libby, Mr. Eko, and Ana Lucia–or are we just supposed to forget about them?
- The Temple is totally unnecessary. Oh, I see, there obviously wasn’t enough freaky shit going on, we need to add an entire new layer and an entire new slew of “Others” into the mix. And oh, just to be original, we will have them dress funny and act mysterious and refuse to answer questions even though Jack and the gang are finally actually asking questions after five seasons of just accepting things at face value. Totally unnecessary.
- Dead!Juliet couldn’t have elaborated to Miles a little more? He seemed to have full convos with the dead in the past, yet all she gave him was “It worked”? It seems that his talent is only as limited as the writers need it to be for script purposes.
Don’t worry, there were some things I loved:
- Fake Locke (aka The Man in Black) revealed as Smokey. Phenomenal.
- Explanation of the ash that we’ve previously seen surrounding Jacob’s cabin: it acts as some sort of shield against Smokey. So was the smoke monster trapped inside the cabin, or did Jacob really “live” there and use it to keep him out? We assume Jacob knows about the ash, because he told Bram about its use (leaving out the fact that Smokey can sumo you out of your little protective ash circle with a boulder and impale you on a handy spike, RIP Bram)…what is it? How does it play into Smokey’s mechanics?
- Solid reveal that Hurley, like Miles, really can talk to the dead. He also does Miles better by showing he can see them as well. So, now we know that Charlie visiting him in the mental institution after he left the island was for real, along with, perhaps, some of his other hallucinations over the years. But it of course leads to more questions—why can’t he see everyone? Lots of people have died on the island…why doesn’t he see everyone?
Other questions:
- Is Claire still pregnant in the alternate reality?
- Is Sayid really alive or is he now a new Fake Locke? We know that Fake Locke was really Smokey the whole time, and Locke’s corpse remained in the coffin, so posession of a dead body doesn’t seem to be his MO. Did the dirty water just have a delayed reaction? Is he Jacob reincarnated?
- Does Rose still have cancer in alternate reality? Because that would be a BUMMER.
- Speaking of Rose, did her and Bernard also shift out of 1977 and into 2007 with the others when the bomb went off? If so, where are they? I’ll bet they are going to be pissed that Jack ruined their “retirement” without asking them. What a douche he can be.
- Now that they are in the same year, when will Jin and Sun be reuinited?? For christ’s sake, I sat through all of season 5 with them apart, let’s have something good happen, okay?
- Was Richard a slave on Black Rock?
Questions from Over the Years that I Want Answered Before We Wrap this Thing Up:
- What’s the deal with the “virus” and the “quarantine” and all those numbers-marked injections Desmond used to take?
- How does Smokey show you images from your life? What’s that clicking sound he makes? Can he only “appear” as dead people?
- What was with the polar bear experiments?
- Did they ever explain why The Others kidnapped the children? What were the “tests” they did on Walt?
- Speaking of Walt, what was the deal with him projecting himself into spots on the island? And the creepy talking backwards business?
- Who really killed Sayid’s wife? Who were the men Ben had him assassinating?
- What was with the “sickness” that overcame people on the freighter and caused them to go crazy?
For more nagging questions, please view this epic video. This stuff will make your head spin after a while so I’ve got to end it here. Share your own LOST thoughts in the comments, especially after tonight’s episode!
Here I am, wrapped in a Snuggie because my heat is apparently broken, innocently watching “60 Minutes” because I was interested in the segment on famous shipwrecks (hey, I’ve been a Titanic junkie since I spent all of 1998 swooning over Leo with the rest of the 18 year olds) (okay, 14 year olds), and suddenly, I see this:
Transcript becuase the embed video apparently isn’t working (emphasis mine):“Want to do something special for your woman this Christmas? Call her doctor and schedule her pap smear. Pap smears save lives. This Christmas impress her–give her the gift that even Santa can’t deliver.” (Background: “Ho, ho, ho!”)
YIKES. I honestly rewound three times and watched it over and over, waiting for Kristen Wig to come into the frame and prove that this was some sort of SNL promo bonus skit….on CBS. YIKES. Even worse? At the next commercial break, I saw this:
Transcript (emphasis mine): “Want to do something special for your woman this Hannukah? Schedule her pap smear! Just a “schmear” could save her life. Light up her menorah with the gift that says, ‘you look great, but it’s what’s inside that counts!’”
I’m sorry…did they really just compare a vaginal exam to…cream cheese?
Why yes, as a matter of fact they did.
Quick poll: What’s the worse holiday gift, a pap smear or the dog Snuggie? (h/t Momsey)
While spending the last two days chained to my couch, being incredibly dramatic over my non-swine related head cold and rocking sweatpants and my gigantic WEEI long sleeved t-shirt, whose origins remain a mystery (this shirt is my favorite thing to lounge about in, and yet I have no idea how I came to own it), I’ve made several meaningful observations:
1) Despite the common notion that men whine like babies whenever they catch so much as the sniffles, the Chef has schooled my ass this week. He had the cold first, and basically acted like it was no big deal. I on the other hand, act as though I’m on my deathbed. Or, in this case, deathcouch. Also, I’m pretty sure it’s love when he still thinks you’re cute with a red nose, glassy eyes and couch hair.
2) That old “feed a cold, feed a fever” thing (yeah, I don’t do starving, have we met?) really just doesn’t work. The more cookies I eat, the more sick I end up feeling. It’s like, great, now I’ve got a head cold and a stomachache. Thanks, cookies.
3) When you have a friend in town for one night only who wants to go out, just go to the bar across the street. That way if you keel over, the couch is 50 yards away, and whiskey and NyQuil have very similar scientific makeup.
4) When delirious with cabin fever and dry mouth (caused by all the mouth breathing) (and all the cookies), don’t decide it’s a great idea to get “Ghosts of Girlfriends Past” On Demand. Just….don’t.
5) No matter how much you want them to taste good, those blue corn tortilla chips from Trader Joe’s will never taste good. Even with salt. Move on.
6) You know how when people who cannot sing do karaoke, they always make those lame excuses beforehand “Oh, you guys are in for it tonight!” or “Ohmigod, I can’t believe I let them talk me into this!”….well I do that with cooking. I made breakfast this morning, and it was a constant stream of excuses. It’s that way every time I cook, or really every time I allow anyone in my kitchen:
“Okay, this pancake might taste like bacon, becuase I only have one frying pan. It might also taste like burning, because that one frying pan kind of has scorched-on something or other on it. Also, the pancake itself is burnt, soooo. Yeah.”
“Okay, we can make dinner here, but first let me take all my dirty dishes out of the oven….What? I don’t have a dishwasher, and sometimes you need to get them out of the way!”
“Sorry about that container of ricotta cheese that’s six months old, every time I want to throw it away I have a fresh bag in the garbage, and if I threw it away it would reek!….What? The garbage chute is all the way down the hall!”
7) I can sew buttons! I have this fab red coat that, for reasons entirely unrelated to my corpulence since the coat is not too small AT ALL (no really!!!) lost almost all its buttons last fall. I decided to use two hours (yes, really) of my couch time today sewing them back on, and it totally came out well! I think! We’ll see!! I pricked three fingers, my leg twice, and my lips. But check me out, I am like, totally domestic.
8. No, I was really serious about “Ghosts of Girlfriends Past.”
9) My cat keeps trying to get in the fridge. I am tempted to let him to teach him a lesson, but with my luck I’d forget he was in there and then I’d have to give him mouth-to-mouth like that “Punky Brewster” episode where Cherry got stuck in the old fridge that scared the bejesus out of me when I was 8:
Yes, I keep mentioning it, but I’m sorry, my delight in the fact that my boyfriend cooks for a living has yet to fade. Everyone I tell always seems duly impressed, and so far only my sister has mentioned that this fact could be a dangerous thing for the size of my already considerable booty. But I don’t care about that at this point.
The Food and I are in a honeymoon period. Soon, I will start to find The Food’s cute habits and overall deliciousness supremely annoying, and only then will I notice the booty issue.
Regardless, the whole undertaking has me thinking about which chefs–real and fictional–I like the best, besides the guy, of course. (With the possible exception of the Swedish Chef, who I really think comes in first ahead of just about everyone.)
5) Chef Louis – “The Little Mermaid”
He wins points for pure enthusiasm. Perhaps I should try singing to my food as I cook it, and my technique would improve.
4) Barth – “You Can’t Do That On Television”
Gotta respect a chef who has loyal customers despite making them puke their guts out in every episode–to say nothing of his dedication to filth so intense that he kills the health inspector and serves him in the burgers.
(Side note: YCDTOT was a dark show, y’all. Here’s another Barth clip I found. Sick!)
3) Julia Child
Julia rocked for a billion reasons well-documented by Meryl Streep in “Julie & Julia”. But this segment with a young David Letterman is sublime–beef tartare au gratin (raw hamburger meat with cheese melted with a blow torch) is something I’d probably end up making if I ever endeavored to cook. No one screwed up like Julia.
2) Chef – South Park
I believe this is self explanatory. (I’d put these up against Schweddy Balls any time.)
1) Swedish Chef – “The Muppet Show”
Bork bork bork!
Honorable Mentions: Casey Ryback (he uses his chef skills to make bombs, y’all) and Sookie from “Gilmore Girls” (her and Chef Louis should get together and have extremely enthusiastic half-human half-cartoon chef babies).
I’ve learned that what happens when you don’t blog every day is that all the things that are awesome tend to pile up. I keep a running “Awesomeness List” to remind myself of what to blog about. I know I’ll never write up several separate posts–so how about a weekly Awesomeness Compilation?
Seven Things That Are Awesome This Week:
7) The Wearable Towel. Where to begin? This thing has the potential to put the Snuggie right out of business. Who doesn’t wear a “toga-style” towel to go get the paper in the morning?
I'm not naked, it's a TOGA.
6) Jezebel’s Celebrity Twitter Roundup – Where else would we learn the thrilling news that Miley Cyrus found her lucky bracelet in her, get this, car cupholder!
Well, thank God. Now I can sleep tonight!
5) My new boyfriend, who cooks. Like, for a living. (No, seriously.) Just don’t tell him I am using him for baked ziti and homemade bagels.
4) Speaking of the Snuggie, how did I not know it now has designer models?? I demand a zebra print deluxe Snuggie at once!
I wish my Snuggie were even uglier!
OMG! Ugly fairy dust!
Oooh, even uglier than I imagined!
Don’t get me wrong. I totally want one. Zebra print, people. Look, if they’re good enough for the Invisible Man, they’re good enough for me.
What, no argyle?
3) Jason Stackhouse in a gas mask, pretending to be Dionysus (I think?) so the mob of black-eyed zombies will give Sam enough time to turn into a housefly and escape from the crazy orgy meat lady. Ah, True Blood. Everything about True Blood qualifies for the Official List of Things That Are Awesome, but shirtless Jason Stackhouse with road flares and a tree branch for horns?
“Oh yes! He is the best offering ever!”
Yeah, this show is ridic.
2) While turning 30 next week is in the list of things that are decidedly NOT AWESOME; my 30th birthday party is this Friday night, and it involves karaoke. And karaoke? Is awesome.
1) Poodle Panda! Who is only outdone by Poodle Jack Sparrow.
The Emmys! Ah, my third favorite awards show behind the Golden Globes and the Oscars. Oh, and the MTV Video Awards. Oh, and maybe SAG….Well ok, they are still a big deal! TV is basically what I have instead of religion, family, or a life–so I have given this a LOT of thought. And it was hard, because apparently this is the “year of a thousand nominations”. Whatever happened to just five? Between this and the Oscars expanding their categories to TEN nominees, I really don’t know how to make predictions. I feel Vegas is responsible; they are trying to rustle up more betting capital because of the poor economy. What? I’m sure people bet on this stuff! What?
And here are my picks: (Also, picking who I feel was egregiously overlooked, and who I thought was a joke of a nomination, per Red’s request.)
Outstanding Comedy Series
Entourage
Family Guy
Flight Of The Conchords
How I Met Your Mother
The Office
30 Rock
Weeds
Will win: 30 Rock Should win: 30 Rock Honorable Mention: How I Met Your Mother (this show should win an Emmy for the Slapsgiving episode from last season alone) What the Hell?: Weeds (I watched 3 episodes of this to try it out during my Showtime free preview. It sucked. Sucked. I don’t get the appeal, but I also hated “Arrested Development”. A lot.) Wuz Robbed: I really don’t see how you can nominate Family Guy over South Park…but that’s just me.
Outstanding Drama Series
Big Love
Breaking Bad
Damages
Dexter
House
Lost
Mad Men
Should Win: Lost, for the best seaason to date. This show makes me scream out loud in shock, awe, joy, befuddlement…name the emotion, I’ve yelled out “OMG” over it while Lost is on. Amazing. Will Win: Mad Men (only slightly less deserving than Lost, because I don’t yell out loud) (by the way, I am aware of all the inappropriate jokes you are making in your head, you perv) Honorable Mention: Dexter (I watched this and Weeds during my Showtime free preview. Dexter was addictive, I may have to pay to keep it.) What the Hell?: Big Love. I can’t get behind anything involving Chloe Sevigny, because she looks like some sort of aquatic lizard. Wuz Robbed: Aside from my usual Friday Night Lights grumbles; True Blood! HELLO! I feel that Bill will take some sort of sexy revenge out on the Academy for this.
You bet I will, Miss Wurrey.
Outstanding Lead Actor In A Comedy Series
The Big Bang Theory • Jim Parsons as Sheldon Cooper
Flight Of The Conchords • Jemaine Clement as Jemaine
Monk • Tony Shalhoub as Adrian Monk
The Office • Steve Carell as Michael Scott
30 Rock • Alec Baldwin as Jack Donaghy
Two And A Half Men • Charlie Sheen as Charlie Harper
Should Win: Alec Baldwin Will Win: Alec Baldwin (don’t see how he can lose at this point) Honorable Mention: I hear great things about Flight of the Conchords What the Hell?: I actually very much enjoy Two and a Half Men; but it’s paint by numbers for Sheen at this point, he basically plays himself. Wuz Robbed: I also hear great things about Eastbound and Down, so no?
Outstanding Lead Actor In A Drama Series
Breaking Bad • Bryan Cranston as Walter White
Dexter • Michael C. Hall as Dexter Morgan
House • Hugh Laurie as Dr. Gregory House
In Treatment • Gabriel Byrne as Paul
Mad Men • Jon Hamm as Don Draper
The Mentalist • Simon Baker as Patrick Jane
Should Win: Jon Hamm – Don Draper is the most intricate dramatic character on television since Sipowicz, and Hamm should get a Franz-size load of trophies for this role. Will Win: Bryan Cranston Honorable Mention: Dexter What the Hell?: Simon Baker? Really? I mean if you’re voting on hotness, maybe. Wuz Robbed: Actually? I can’t think of anyone who was robbed. The guy who plays Bill in True Blood isn’t that good an actor, although if we are judging by hotness, I pick him over silly old Simon Baker.
Outstanding Lead Actress In A Comedy Series
The New Adventures Of Old Christine • Julia Louis-Dreyfus as Christine
Samantha Who? • Christina Applegate as Samantha Newly
The Sarah Silverman Program • Sarah Silverman as Sarah Silverman
30 Rock • Tina Fey as Liz Lemon
United States Of Tara • Toni Collette as Tara Gregson
Weeds • Mary-Louise Parker as Nancy Botwin
Should Win: Tina Fey Will Win: Tina Fey Honorable Mention: I could see Toni Collette OR Julia Louis Dreyfuss sneaking in here. What the Hell?: I’m pretty sure that unless they’re giving out Emmys for “Best Imitation of a Person Suffering from LockJaw” that Mary-Louise Parker should not win. But I might just still be bitter about how long she kept Donna and Josh apart on The West Wing. Wuz Robbed: Again, can’t think of any snubs here. None of “The Office” ladies I’d want to nominate really count as leading roles. Wait for the supporting category for my thoughts here.
Outstanding Lead Actress In A Drama Series
Brothers & Sisters • Sally Field as Nora Walker
The Closer • Kyra Sedgwick as Brenda Leigh Johnson
Damages • Glenn Close as Patty Hewes
Law & Order: Special Victims Unit • Mariska Hargitay as Detective Olivia Benson
Mad Men • Elisabeth Moss as Peggy Olson
Saving Grace • Holly Hunter as Grace Hanadarko
Should Win: Elisabeth Moss – This season of Mad Men didn’t match the first, but Moss’ Peggy was, as the critics say, finely drawn. She was astonishing in the scene where she confessed her pregnancy to Pete. It starts at 2:10. Just watch it, seriously.
Will Win: Glenn Close Honorable Mention: I suppose Holly Hunter could steal this one, but I despise her show…she chews up more scenery than Al Pacino. What the Hell?: I would swap Rachel Griffiths for silly Sally Field in a hot second. Wuz Robbed: Ah, Sookie. I’m almost glad you didn’t get nominated, because I want Peggy to win!
But don't I have a bettah rack??
(Yes, yes you do. But that does not influence my decision!)
Outstanding Supporting Actor In A Comedy Series
Entourage • Kevin Dillon as Johnny Drama
How I Met Your Mother • Neil Patrick Harris as Barney Stinson
The Office • Rainn Wilson as Dwight Schrute
30 Rock • Tracy Morgan as Tracy Jordan
30 Rock • Jack McBrayer as Kenneth Parcell
Two And A Half Men • Jon Cryer as Alan Harper
Will Win: Neil Patrick Harris Should Win: Neil Patrick Harris – I love Barney. There, I said it. Harris could make this role a Holly Hunteresque scenery chew off, but he doesn’t, he’s great. AND HE HAS A BLOG! (Seriously, watch this. It’s only one minute, and if you don’t believe me that Barney is the best, I’ll take your word for it.)
Honorable Mention: Tracy Morgan kills me. Wuz Robbed: I love Dwight, but no Nard Dog? Seriously?
Outstanding Supporting Actor In A Drama Series
Boston Legal • William Shatner as Denny Crane
Boston Legal • Christian Clemenson as Jerry Espenson
Breaking Bad • Aaron Paul as Jesse Pinkman
Damages • William Hurt as Daniel Purcell
Lost • Michael Emerson as Ben Linus
Mad Men • John Slattery as Roger Sterling
Will Win: I have NO idea.
Should Win: Emerson, for sure.
Honorable Mention: Slattery’s Roger is quite the rapscallion, and he should win just for giving me an opportunity to use that word in a sentence.
What the Hell?:William Shatner, I have nothing against you, really (except maybe those Priceline commercials), but Denny Crane became one note and un-Emmy worth about four Emmys ago. Please go away. Wuz Robbed: Tie between Josh Holloway for Lost (Sawyer was the best thing about that show this season) and True Blood’s Nelsan Ellis. For this scene alone; awesomeness. (Uh, awesomeness and some NSFW language–it is an HBO show after all..)
Outstanding Supporting Actress In A Comedy Series
Pushing Daisies • Kristin Chenoweth as Olive Snook
Saturday Night Live • Amy Poehler as Various Characters
Saturday Night Live • Kristin Wiig as Various Characters
30 Rock • Jane Krakowski as Jenna Maroney
Ugly Betty • Vanessa Williams as Wilhelmina Slater
Weeds • Elizabeth Perkins as Celia Hodes
Will Win: I have NO idea–I will guess and say Elizabeth Perkins, because Emmy voters love cable shows and that’s the only one nominated here. Should Win: Amy Poehler. Did you SEE the Sarah Palin rap she did 8 months pregnant? The woman is a genius. Honorable Mention: Kristin Wiig – Only SNL lady capable of carrying the Tina/Amy torch What the Hell?: Jane Krakowski. I love (LOVE) 30 Rock. I also think she’s the worst thing on it. Wuz Robbed: Phyllis Smith, Phyllis on “The Office.” I could write fan fiction about her dumping her husband and running off with the equally snubbed Nard Dog and making quirky, awesome, chubby, a cappella singing babies together. I luff her.
Outstanding Supporting Actress In A Drama Series
Damages • Rose Byrne as Ellen Parsons
Grey’s Anatomy • Sandra Oh as Dr. Christina Yang
Grey’s Anatomy • Chandra Wilson as Dr. Miranda Bailey
In Treatment • Dianne Wiest as Gina
In Treatment • Hope Davis as Mia
24 • Cherry Jones as President Allison Taylor
Will Win: Another toughie, I’m going to say Hope Davis Should Win: This is the one category where I am so mad about snubs that I honestly don’t have a horse in the race. I like Sandra Oh, but she didn’t earn it. Honorable Mention: Again, I don’t care, but I guess Rose Byrne could ride Glenn Close’s coattails here. What the Hell?: I love Cherry Jones, especially when she plays Matt Damon’s mom in “Ocean’s 12″ (though it could just be that “Ocean’s 12″ was a monstrous turd trumpet before she comes along), but she was the worst president in “24″ history. And that includes Logan. Wuz Robbed: SO many people. But mostly Christina Hendricks from “Mad Men.” She deserves 10 Emmys for the rape scene alone. And is absolutely beyond fierce. Rowr.
Facebook’s contextual ads are a constant source of amusement for me.
If I am on a good running kick, they make me feel good with constant ads for various running-related paraphernalia. If I am on my usual lazy-assedness kick, I get to feel crappy about myself with nearly constant ads of people with muffin tops claiming that Acai Berries saved their lives or some nonsense that cannot possibly be true.
(Side rant: I can’t understand people who fall for the latest “fad” in weight loss. If they ever actually DID discover some miracle that can actually make fatties thin, I’d be all over it, but so would every single reputable news organization in the WORLD. Odds are it would be backed by enough venture capital to buy and sell Jupiter, and wouldn’t, you know, require $50 a day Facebook ads to market it.)
I’m not sure what I said or posted that caused the above ads to pop up today, but I couldn’t resist a screen capture. First off, “Accepting Virginia Babies”? Into what? Why do I feel that people clicking on that ad will be encouraged to bring their babies to an un air-conditioned room at a Red Roof Inn to meet with a suspect “baby modeling agent” with a porn-stache?
Your baby has potential, baby.
Second, the obvious humor in the juxtaposition of a birth control ad and a “hey, you must have a baby!” ad totally killed me. To say nothing of immediately making me think of one of the best “Seinfeld” episodes ever.
Regardless, I will take sponges and babies any day over my usual ads, which tend to lean towards “You’re a dried up spinster with cobwebs in your womb, you’d better click here to find a guy pathetic enough to want to marry you, despite your obvious physical deformities!” any day.
So, one of my favorite Boston players of all time will be visiting Boston (albeit on another team) soon, as Matt pointed out earlier today. I gotta say, I don’t have much to say about this topic–but he did mention something that is very relevant to my interests: crappy fake Boston accents. You see, “No-maaaah” was frequently mentioned in a longrunning skit on “SNL” with Jimmy Fallon and Rachel Dratch playing horny obnoxious Boston teens. Growing up not far (sorry, “fah”) from Boston, I can say the portrayal is actually a bit accurate. But as usual, the accents were a bit much.
This reminds me of an even better blog topic than Nomar, as good as that might be. What are the best and worst attempts at Boston/New England accents in film and television? These are my picks, feel free to share yours in the comments.
Worst: Diane Lane in “The Perfect Storm.” I’m not sure where she was supposed to be from, but I am pretty sure no one from Boston or Mass in general ever actually sounded like this. Maybe it’s because she had to play against Marky Maaahk, whose accent is genuine. I respect George Clooney the most in this movie, because he didn’t even bother trying.
Best: Tim Robbins in “Mystic River.” Despite his crazy hippie political rantings and his girly pitching in “Bull Durham,” I’m actually a big fan of Tim Robbins, and I respect the heck out of his work with the Boston accent in this film–some people disagree, but I think it’s really passable. Sean Penn gets a mention here too, and a nice Clooney nod for Kevin Bacon for not even bothering to try.
Worst: Robin Williams in “Good Will Hunting.” Woof. This is probably my favorite movie ever; and Williams is excellent in it– but his accent meanders in and out throughout the film; this guy is supposed to be from Southie? No. Again, must’ve been hard for him playing against a native, no one does a Boston accent better than my future husband Matt Damon.
Best/Worst: The entire cast of “The Departed.” The natives (Damon, Whalberg) did splendidly of course, Leo did his best and wasn’t totally egregious, the rest of the ensemble bordered between Drunken Kennedys (Baldwin, Sheen), Diane Lane craptacular (the woman shrink, whatsername), and god-awful and getting away with it (Jack, because he’s Jack). All over the map. But then again, actual Boston natives tend to be all over the map accent-wise, so maybe it works.
Debatable: Amy Ryan in “Gone Baby Gone.” Some people thought she was brilliant, some people thought she sounded like Rachel Dratch’s Denise character from SNL on fricking steroids. What do we think? I think little of column A, little of column B.
Sound off about the best and worst accents in the comments–and don’t feel compelled to stick to Boston, I’m sure there’s more than enough hatred for Dennis Quaid’s “Cajun” in “The Big Easy.” (Although I myself forgive that for two reasons: 1) I’m not New Orleans, and 2) I’d happily have Dennis Quaid’s babies.)
