From now on, I’m going to stop crowing about how I never get sick.
I honestly don’t usually get sick though! I mean, I get a couple colds and coughs and sniffles per year, just like most people. But I rarely get so sick that I need “to be seen” (as my mom puts it) and take medicines, and miss three days of work, and constantly have people telling me how awful I look.
The last time that happened was when I had mono when I was 23. Mono was terrible in the sense that I had to sleep sitting up in my dad’s easy chair for 3 weeks or risk death by snot suffocation, but wonderful in the sense that I ate nothing but ice cream and liquid painkillers for a month, and lost 25 pounds.
If you ask me, mono is a walk in the park next to bronchitis, because with mono you’re basically just passed out. Sure, when you wake up you’re in unbearable pain, and your spleen might explode, but guess what? A few spoonfuls of ice cream, a mugful of ThermaFlu and a swig of liquid painkillers later, and it’s back to Happy Dream Easy Weight Loss Land for the next 12 hours. What’s wrong with that?
Bronchitis is basically the opposite of mono in every way:
You’re still sick for a month, but in that month you will likely get about a half an hour of sleep.
Instead of your spleen exploding, which most people could probably live through, your lungs might explode, which would probably be bad.
You can’t eat ice cream due to the fact that dairy products exacerbate a cough, but you probably won’t lose 25 pounds without trying like with mono. At least not if you’re me. This is probably due to the lack of sleep and inability to do much more exercise than, well, coughing. And even that will kill you, as I learned that several week’s worth of violent coughs can mean strained muscles and an inflamed rib cage.
This means, on top of the steroids and the inhaler and the antiobiotics and liquid hydrocodone, I also got to take naproxen and percocet and muscle relaxers! This was not as much fun as it sounds.
Oh, and did I mention I was on vacation for part of this ordeal? In New Orleans? And that I was so tired from merely dragging myself out to sightsee each day that I couldn’t even bring myself to hit up Bourbon Street and party down properly? Yes. That is all true.
This entire post about my ailments is, naturally, meant to serve as a very viable excuse for not posting for two months.
“But I thought you said you were only sick for a month??”
Essentially, a blogger posted a bit of a web rant warning of the dangers of little Miley Cyrus and her possible foray from pop music into country. In short, the blogger was concerned that her somewhat tarted up image and alleged liberal leanings would taint the wholesomeness of country music.
Y’all, despite my Yankee status, I am a HUGE country fan. I love it; it is essentially all I listen to. A couple years ago, I even bought a “mega ticket” at the Nissan Pavillion (I refuse to call it by its new name) (snerk!) to go to 7 different country shows all in one summer. I wore a cowboy hat and sang along to every song. Zac Brown’s first big hit, “Chicken Fried,” might be one of my all-time favorite songs, and kinda makes me wish I was from Georgia. So please understand, what I’m about to say is coming from a place of love.
Country music ain’t wholesome.
This has driven me crazy for a while now, mainly because the country music station in DC edits the word “ass” out of the terrific Zac Brown Band song “Toes.” I’m always like, “Really? When every other country song is about killing someone? Really?”
No really, it’s true: So far as I can tell, many (many) country songs are about one of three things: Drinkin’, Cheatin’, or Murderin’. Don’t believe me? Let’s have some examples then, shall we?
Also–I am not judging…I think these songs are all pretty much awesome. Nothing wrong with a good honky tonk number — just feeling the need to point out the ridiculousness of the notion that country music could be “tainted” by, of all people, apple-cheeked little Miley Cyrus, who’s never sung a good drinkin’/cheatin’/murderin’ song in her entire young life.
Regardless — on to the categories!
Drunker than Me (Trent Tomlinson) – Guy is upset his previously teetotaling girlfriend has started boozing it up, forcing him to be the responsible one. It’s 5 O’Clock Somewhere (Alan Jackson) – Guy blows off work to get drunk all afternoon. Tequila Makes Her Clothes Fall Off (Joe Nichols) – Self explanatory. All Jacked Up (Gretchen Wilson) – Lady goes to bar for just one drink, ends up getting hammered, knocking out another lady’s tooth, and then crashing her truck. Ten Rounds With Jose Cuervo (Tracey Byrd) – As a down on his luck guy drinks ten shots, his night improves with every drink.
You Can’t Take the Honky Tonk Outta the Girl (Brooks & Dunn) - Drunken trollop from the big city returns home and runs off with her second cousin’s fiance the night before the wedding. Stays in Mexico (Toby Keith) – An insurance salesman from South Dakota cheats on his wife and family with a first grade schoolteacher after too many margaritas in Mexico. The Thunder Rolls (Garth Brooks) – This a Very! Serious! Song! about the dangers of cheating. Mainly? Women always know. Before He Cheats (Carrie Underwood) – Guys: if you value your vehicles, don’t cheat on Carrie Underwood. For real. Why Don’t You Stay (Sugarland) – In another Very! Serious! Song!, a lady having an affair with another woman’s hubby comes to her senses and dumps the guy.
(Soooo many to choose from, so I’ve broken it up into “Fun ‘n’ Folksy Murderin’ Songs” and “Very! Serious! Murderin’ Songs.”)
Fun ‘n’ Folksy:
Goodbye Earl (Dixie Chicks) – A favorite of karaoke gals everywhere, who because of the funny and folksy tone of the song may not realize that the song is less about gal power than it is about a woman who is so brutally beaten by her husband that she enlists her childhood best friend to help her murder him.
Papa Loved Mama (Garth Brooks) – Upbeat number wherein the titual Papa puts Mama in the graveyard for stepping out on him. At least the song also points out that he ends up in jail.
Kerosene/Gunpowder and Lead (Miranda Lambert) – Kerosene = You Cheat, You Die! Gunpowder & Lead = You hit me, you die!
Very Serious Murderin’ Songs:
Independence Day (Martina McBride) – Beaten wife kills her husband and herself in a horrible fire. Upbeat!
Folsom Prison Blues (Johnny Cash) – Shot a man in Reno, just to watch him die. Classic lyric, still a very bad thing to do.
Cocaine Blues (Johnny Cash) – Has the bonus of being about murder AND drugs! Drugged out guy shoots his woman then sleeps with the gun under his pillow.
Whiskey Lullaby (Brad Paisley/Allison Krause) – Ok, so it’s about suicide, but it’s still pretty dark stuff. Actually this might be more of a drinkin’ song….because it’s about former lovers who drink themselves to death. One from heartbreak, one from guilt. I mean…wow, now I’m depressed.
What are your favorite delightfully UN-wholesome country songs?
There’s really not much a person can do. I usually refrain from Option A (pillow violence) and head straight for Option B (resentful couch sleeping). Why doesn’t HE sleep on the couch, you ask?
“Why don’t YOU go sleep on the couch?”
“Why should I? You’re the one who can’t sleep.”
“What are you doing with that pillow? GAAAGHGH!”
And the worst part of all of it is that no matter what the infomercials tell you, there is NO cure for snoring. None. No, none.
“Those nose strips though!”
No. Those nose strips are very useful if one has a cold and can’t breathe well. They are also very useful in taping one’s nose back to make pig faces (not that I’ve done that). What they are not useful for is snoring. Just stop saying that when you know it is not true.
Dr. Franks has an epic moustache. He also sells an “arthritis spray.” This man is very pro-spray. But if it worked, he wouldn’t hock it via infomercial and cheesy website.
One thing I do like about Dr. Franks and other anti-snoring infomercials is that they are clearly employing actresses who know exactly what it’s like to sleep next to a jet engine. This lady’s Faces of Exasperation and Requisite Pillow Violence are spot-on. Get this chick a guest-starring role on “Two and a Half Men.” She’s just that good.
(What? That would be a big step up from a Snoring Infomercial actress.)
I present to you, the Five Stages of Pillow Violence, courtesy of the “Z-Quiet Snoring Cure” commercial:
Stage One: Yep, He’s Snoring Again
Stage Two: Attempt to Stop it Via Evil Side-Eye
Stage Three: Resentment Builds, More Side-Eye
Stage Four: Futile Attempts at Rage Control
Stage Five: PILLOW VIOLENCE!!!!
I’ve only resorted to pillow violence a couple of times. Normally I try to just gently place a pillow onto his face to muffle the sound. This technique is met with the same amount of anger as if I’d decided to solve the issue by beating him with a pillowcase full of hot nickels, so I’ve abandoned that as well.
Good thing I love my couch. Almost as much as I love him.
To be honest with you, my Oscar picks last year….sucked. I got Best Picture, Director, Supporting Actor and Adapted Screenplay right, but absolutely tanked the other categories. As an honest-to-god awards show junkie, it was a truly embarassing event. This year, there’s cold, hard, cash on the line as I’ve entered an Oscars pool — so I have to step up my game, y’all.
I’ve seen almost every film, though I may once again be making my best actor pick blind (I’m picking Jeff Bridges, and then seeing “Crazy Heart” later today; if I see it and hate it, me and The Dude are going to have some words). On to the picks!
Should Win: The Hurt Locker Will Win: Avatar
The Hurt Locker was hands down the best film of the year, and I have seen 9 of the 10 nominees, it’s definitely the best of the bunch. The problem is that “spectacle” movies like Avatar make tons of money, get tons of attention, and pretty much ride that wave to a Best Picture win despite being, when you think about it, nothing but popcorn movies. (See: Gladiator, Titanic, Lord of the Rings). I occasionally support Popcorn wins; I thought Braveheart earned its win, and even Titanic. But this year? No. Just no. Avatar was boring as hell, 30 minutes too long, and in the words of Simon Cowell, painfully self indulgent. Plus, Cameron is the official King of the World Jerks.
Still, sadly, it will likely win.
Should Win: Kathryn Bigelow Will Win: Kathryn Bigelow
There’s no way she doesn’t win. Aside from doing an amazing job with the film, they’re going to give her this award to make up for her movie getting the shaft in the Best Picture race. Sometimes the Academy tries to be “fair” that way; like how they gave Russell Crowe an absolutely laughable Best Actor win for Gladiator to make up for him getting completely robbed of his deserved win for The Insider (have you ever seen that movie? It’s amazing; go get it on DVD, for real). Anyhow, she’s going to win, take it to the bank.
Should Win: Carey Mulligan Will Win: Meryl Streep
I picked Meryl to upset the frontrunner (Kate Winslet) last year, and I was totally wrong. So this year, I’m hoping for her to upset again, this time overtaking Sandra Bullock. I loved The Blind Side. But awarding Sandra for playing a brassy Southern Belle would be like giving Vince Vaughn an Oscar for his 18th performance as a “wisecracking man child with a heart of gold.” I’d like to hope that Gabourey Sidibe could pull off the upset too, because she just seems so damn likable and how often is a 300 pound black woman going to have a shot at a Best Actress Oscar? But her performance wasn’t as special as some would have you believe, and the Academy is already going to hit their Plus Sized Black Woman Oscar Winner quotient by giving Supporting Actress to Mo’Nique.
Best Supporting Actress
Should Win: Mo’Nique Will Win: Mo’Nique
This win is the only slam dunk pick of the bunch. There’s basically no way she’s not getting it, and she was great in the movie. And I love that she talks honestly about how she doesn’t shave her legs and has an open marriage. She’s great. I loved Anna Kendrick in Up in the Air, so I’d almost like to see her upset if an upset is going to happen, but it probably won’t.
Should Win: Colin Firth Will Win: Jeff Bridges
As I said, I’m seeing Crazy Heart later today; but I’m basing my Colin Firth pick on the films I’ve seen thus far. He was so great in A Single Man, even if Tom Ford’s overly stylized and obvious direction made me want to puke, and Julianne Moore tried way, way too hard throughout her shrieky performance. However, from everything I’m reading, it looks like The Dude is going to make this happen. But that’s just like, my opinion, man.
Best Supporting Actor
Should Win: Christoph Waltz Will Win: Christoph Waltz
I forgot when pronouncing Mo’Nique the only slam dunk win that I was wrong–this is another slam dunk. And good for him, Hans Landa might be my favorite Tarantino villain since Mr. Blonde. Evil, suave, insanely intelligent, and rocking not only a badass full-length leather trench, but a giant Sherlock Holmes pipe. Love him.
Best Original Screenplay
Should Win: Inglourious Basterds Will Win: The Hurt Locker
Tarantino won for Pulp Fiction’s screenplay in 1995, and I think the script for Inglourious Basterds blows it out of the water. Unfortunately, The Hurt Locker is going to get the nod here — as another make-up award for screwing it out of Best Picture.
Best Adapted Screenplay
Should Win: Up in the Air Will Win: Up in the Air
I’d like to call a possible upset for An Education, but it faces the same problem that Carey Mulligan does in that not enough people saw it. Too bad, but I think Up in the Air will take this one home, and it was indeed a great script and a good movie, so I’m satisfied with it.
Best Animated Feature
Should Win: Up Will Win: Up
Ok, this movie made me weep real tears in the FIRST TEN MINUTES. It was so, so, good. Also: Talking Dog.
Also give this a big thumbs up for being the first animated film since my fave, Beauty in the Beast, to get the Best Picture nod.
That’s it! No live blog for the Oscars this year, as I’m attending a party to watch it with other actual humans. But you can entertain yourself with last year’s live blog, which has my favorite title I’ve ever given a post.
Here’s hoping I leave the party 20 whole dollars richer. Wahoo!
Fact #2: My incredibly ill-advised stab at becoming a runner last year has left me with a bum foot. I’m actually not really sure what’s wrong with it, which is shocking since I am a certified WebMD. Maybe a stress fracture? Maybe lingering plantar fascitis? Who knows. I can has x-ray?
Fact #3: I still want to exercise–hence? Deep water aerobics!
It’s supposed to be an amazing workout.
It’s reeeeeally not. Certain parts are tough, especially the arm work with the foam rubber underwater weights, that’s the only part of class where I get out of breath. Sadly those sections only last for about the first 20 minutes, then the rest of the hour-long class is taken up by ridiculousness. Like underwater “crunches.”
Note to all water aerobics instructors: You’re on the side of the pool shouting instructions, NOT IN THE WATER. So when you’re suggesting I do this killer ab move…well it’s just really not hard to do when you’re underwater with a flotation belt on and clinging to a flotation noodle. What IS hard is trying to not swallow public pool water (mmmm, urine!) and drown while thrashing around like a damn marlin.
Why the thrashing, you ask? Oh that would be from attempting to do squats while balancing with a noodle under each foot. Squats on dry land? Incredibly effective, and an incredibly simple movement to perform. Underwater squats on noodles? Incredibly ineffective, and insanely difficult to execute without getting a foot cramp or dinged in the back of the head from the noodle flying out from under the old lady behind you.
You know that dread in the pit of your stomach you feel whenever you get the dreaded Facebook alert email? “So and So has tagged you in 6 horrible awful hideous fat ugly pictures!”
Take that feeling and multiply it by fifty, and you’ll know what it’s like to date my boyfriend. His inexplicable love for some of the worst photos of me ever on record defies all laws of attraction. If I were him, and I uploaded all those pictures to Facebook, I’d go out of my way to not point out to the world that the ones appearing to be of Jabba the Hut’s less attractive twin sister are actually of my significant other.
Seriously, what is wrong with him? He put this on Facebook and tagged it, as ME.
I mean, seriously, I could not hit de-tag fast enough. Granted, I am now claiming the picture as my own by placing it on my blog for the world all three of my readers to see, but I had to prove my point here. Hopefully this public plea will prevent any of these photos from making their way online again. He can just frame them and display them in our home like some sort of god-awful temple full of Rosie O’Donnell look alikes.
I’ve been meaning to write this post since last week. Perhaps I’ve been putting it off because my denial over the upcoming end of the best show on TV is pretty deep at this point.
That being said, some thoughts (if you haven’t seen the season premiere, this has spoilers for it):
- First off, if you’re not reading Jeff Jensen’s weekly recaps, you are doing yourself a grave disservice. I don’t know what he knows about anything else, but when it comes to LOST, he’s my own personal Einstein.
- Same goes for Jorge Garcia’s blog. Hurley is one of my favorites, and the actor who portrays him is equally awesome. He doesn’t actually discuss LOST that much, but it’s still a worthy read.
- I like to think that (some missteps aside) (Paolo and Nicki anyone?) the writers don’t do anything without a good reason. Which is the only thing I can think of to explain why, after the incredible finale last year when Juliet got sucked into the hatch and we all cried (or blubbered for about half an hour after the show ended, if you’re a loser like me), they would bother bringing her along back to 2007 with the other Lostaways only to die all over again. She had a perfect death scene, dare I say epic!
So, the only thing I can think of is that gibberish Juliet babbled at Sawyer (”lets get coffee sometime, we could go Dutch”) before finally kicking it will come back into play. THEORY ALERT! Maybe they re-meet in the alternate universe she created by setting off the bomb, and fall in love all over again. Personally, while I know many people are tickled by this theory, I think it’s a bunch of bullcrap. Because….
- If the alternate reality ends up being the final story (ie, that everyone on the island dies or something and ends up living the alternate life), I will basically firebomb ABC. As we’ve learned in just the first episode, there are many things that are quite different about this reality. Frankly, if we’re going by a “butterfly effect” thing here, where this alternate universe where the plane never crashed isn’t quite the same (notable differences include: Sayid being from Iran (?), Shannon not being on the plane, Desmond being on the plane, Charlie’s suicide attempt, Hurley being “lucky”, Sun (maybe) not speaking English), that means that these aren’t the characters we’ve invested years in rooting for. I don’t care about them. It was nice to see Boone again (mainly because he is smoking hot), but I could honestly give a crap–in my eyes, Boone died back in season one. And will the alternate reality give us updates on Libby, Mr. Eko, and Ana Lucia–or are we just supposed to forget about them?
- The Temple is totally unnecessary. Oh, I see, there obviously wasn’t enough freaky shit going on, we need to add an entire new layer and an entire new slew of “Others” into the mix. And oh, just to be original, we will have them dress funny and act mysterious and refuse to answer questions even though Jack and the gang are finally actually asking questions after five seasons of just accepting things at face value. Totally unnecessary.
- Dead!Juliet couldn’t have elaborated to Miles a little more? He seemed to have full convos with the dead in the past, yet all she gave him was “It worked”? It seems that his talent is only as limited as the writers need it to be for script purposes.
Don’t worry, there were some things I loved:
- Fake Locke (aka The Man in Black) revealed as Smokey. Phenomenal.
- Explanation of the ash that we’ve previously seen surrounding Jacob’s cabin: it acts as some sort of shield against Smokey. So was the smoke monster trapped inside the cabin, or did Jacob really “live” there and use it to keep him out? We assume Jacob knows about the ash, because he told Bram about its use (leaving out the fact that Smokey can sumo you out of your little protective ash circle with a boulder and impale you on a handy spike, RIP Bram)…what is it? How does it play into Smokey’s mechanics?
- Solid reveal that Hurley, like Miles, really can talk to the dead. He also does Miles better by showing he can see them as well. So, now we know that Charlie visiting him in the mental institution after he left the island was for real, along with, perhaps, some of his other hallucinations over the years. But it of course leads to more questions—why can’t he see everyone? Lots of people have died on the island…why doesn’t he see everyone?
- Is Claire still pregnant in the alternate reality?
- Is Sayid really alive or is he now a new Fake Locke? We know that Fake Locke was really Smokey the whole time, and Locke’s corpse remained in the coffin, so posession of a dead body doesn’t seem to be his MO. Did the dirty water just have a delayed reaction? Is he Jacob reincarnated?
- Does Rose still have cancer in alternate reality? Because that would be a BUMMER.
- Speaking of Rose, did her and Bernard also shift out of 1977 and into 2007 with the others when the bomb went off? If so, where are they? I’ll bet they are going to be pissed that Jack ruined their “retirement” without asking them. What a douche he can be.
- Now that they are in the same year, when will Jin and Sun be reuinited?? For christ’s sake, I sat through all of season 5 with them apart, let’s have something good happen, okay?
- Was Richard a slave on Black Rock?
Questions from Over the Years that I Want Answered Before We Wrap this Thing Up:
- What’s the deal with the “virus” and the “quarantine” and all those numbers-marked injections Desmond used to take?
- How does Smokey show you images from your life? What’s that clicking sound he makes? Can he only “appear” as dead people?
- What was with the polar bear experiments?
- Did they ever explain why The Others kidnapped the children? What were the “tests” they did on Walt?
- Speaking of Walt, what was the deal with him projecting himself into spots on the island? And the creepy talking backwards business?
- Who really killed Sayid’s wife? Who were the men Ben had him assassinating?
- What was with the “sickness” that overcame people on the freighter and caused them to go crazy?
For more nagging questions, please view this epic video. This stuff will make your head spin after a while so I’ve got to end it here. Share your own LOST thoughts in the comments, especially after tonight’s episode!
In the interests of firing up the old blog engine again after my usually scheduled four week break (which I take once every two weeks–blogging is hard work you guys), I am pulling a topic from the illustrious (in both esteem and hair) Meg Fowler. Nothing gets the writing juices flowing like a good old fashioned peeve-a-thon!
Therefore, here are Six Things That Will Always Annoy Me.
1) Incompetent Starbucks Baristas – I am not a person who berates those who work in the food service industry. My boyfriend works in this industry. My sister works in this industry. I almost always leave a 20% tip regardless of service at restaurants, becuase a) it’s easy math (math is hard!), and b) I don’t punish people financially for having a bad day or being grumpy and/or forgetful. If I myself were punished financially for grumpiness and forgetfulness, I’d be destitute.
(Here comes the but!) BUT–what’s up, Starbucks baristas??? It’s a Venti. Skim. Misto. Sugar-free caramel. And yet?
“Can I get a venti skim Misto with sugar-free caramel?”
“Sure. Calling bar! I need a venti Misto with vanilla!”
“Uh, no, it’s a SKIM, and that’s sugar-free caramel.”
“Oh whoops–Make that skim! And make it sugar-free vanilla!”
“Sugar Free! Sugar Free Caramel!!!!!”
And even after all that they still hand me my finished drink without the caramel 3 times out of 5.
(Dunkin on the other hand, is right every time. *wistful sigh*)
2) Skinny People Who Complain About Their Weight – This one is tough, because some of my best friends are Skinny People Who Complain About Their Weight. And yes, here is my obligatory admission that everyone from size 0 to size 300 will feel crappy about the way their butt looks in a particular pair of pants at some point in their lives. But for the most part? Cram it, Skinny People Who Complain About Their Weight! I think what bothers me most about this peeve is the silent understanding between me and the Skinny Person Complaining About Their Weight that if they woke up one day and looked like me, they would probably not even leave the house, except maybe to throw themselves in front of traffic. I just never really know what to say, so I usually go with the silent fume.
3) Message Boards – I got flamed for the first time last week, and I still can’t believe it took me 15 years of being online for this to happen. Long story short, I raised the ire of a regular commenter on the board I was posting on, and it resulted in a day-long event in which everyone thereafter posted HUNDREDS of comments questioning my moral fiber, level of attractiveness, intelligence, maturity, ability to read, and potential for finding a life mate. In short, message boards are, anthropologically speaking, bat$h!t CRAZY places. They are generally self-ruled by gangs of “regulars.” These regulars apparently don’t have jobs, because all they do all day long is post to their message board of choice. If you are new to the board and say something they don’t like, they will insult, taunt, and bully you endlessly. Trying to defend yourself only makes it worse; the only way out of it is to relent and admit they are your master, or post a final angry message about how you are taking your ball and going home. The second option is potentially more infuriating, because you will inevitably go back to this message board and wait for the flood of responses begging you not to leave and apologizing for how bat$h!t crazy the regular posters are, but you will instead be met with the Internet equivalent of that “Na-na-na-na hey hey hey good bye!” song. It stings. Avoid these places like the plague.
4) Reading Over My Shoulder – The easiest way to send me flying irrationally off the handle? Read over my shoulder, or ask me what I’m reading. Poor Chef Jon is obviously the most common victim of this one, as he can never help but ask me what I’m reading when I’m sitting with my laptop.
“It’s a review of that movie we saw.”
“Oh, what are they saying?”
“OMFG LEAVE ME ALONE!”
And then he gets all hurt. I’m not saying it’s reasonable to yell at someone for this infraction. Nor is it necessarily polite to sit on your laptop and ignore your boyfriend when he’s at your house. I never said these peeves were rational, people! But damn. If I’m reading something, just let me be. Then maybe in the car later, “Hey have you read anything interesting lately? Can you recommend a funny blog?” Then I will be nice, because I am not being interrupted. Simple!
5) People Who Put You On The Phone With Their Children – This is self explanatory (one would think). Also, people who post photos of their kids as their Facebook picture. Yes, I’m an evil witch who eats babies for breakfast. But like I said, not all of these peeves are rational. It’s like people who hate Christmas. HOW CAN YOU HATE CHRISTMAS!? I exclaim. But they can’t explain it, they just do. That’s how I feel about Facebook profile photos of your admittedly cute baby. I’m sorry, really.
“I don’t understand how people can eat that! I don’t put anything into my body that wasn’t grown in the turd pile in my backyard. And can I just tell you how great I feel? And you should see my poop! Before I put it into my turd garden, I always check it thoroughly to make sure I’m digesting properly. And can I just tell you, do not get that generic brand of the pro-biotic poo-yogurt, only Pay$$$WhenYouAlreadyPooForFree! Yogurt will work. And ever since I gave up smoking and started 5am spinning and yoga every day, I am just so energetic! And did I tell you we got rid of our TV? We’re all just so much happier.”
“I’m sorry, I didn’t hear you. I was distracted by the ‘Real World’ marathon that’s on and this ginormous bag of cheez-its. Also, can we talk later? I’m out of cigs. Byeee!”
“No, don’t buy that, it needs to be Blu-Ray.”
“What’s a Blu Ray?”
“I don’t actually know, I just know that’s what we need.”
“Well I don’t get why, when it’s right here.”
“No, that’s a DVD!”
“I just don’t–”
“You can play Blu Rays on a DVD, you just can’t play DVDs on a Blu Ray. Wait, is that right?”
“Let’s just get a gift card.”
“Why are you adding corn starch to that?”
“Because it’s in the recipe, silly.”
“Yeah but you really should have added the milk first.”
“I’m doing it this way.”
“You really should add the milk.”
“I’m going to add the milk to your FACE in about–”
“Oooh, yum, good dip!”
“Oh, hush you–”
“No. There is no DIP coming into this house.”
“It’s clam dip! Mmm—”
“You really need to get over this dip issue of yours.”
“NO. NO DIP!!!”
(For reference, this feud between my aunt and father over the proper amount of dip to serve at the holidays has been going on, I’m not even joking, for decades. Her dip is really good though, so she always wins.)
“This bread is frozen.”
“Yeah, it’s easier to make them that way.”
“Yeah but if it’s frozen why does it have mold on it?”
“Oh, ok so bread is SUPPOSED to have blue spots.”
“OH, that’s not the frozen bread that’s the bread I used to make Grammie and Grandpa’s sandwiches.”
If you live on the East Coast, or own a TV, you might know that my neck of the woods has gotten blasted in the last couple days with about ten thousand tons of snow. Here are just a few things I’ve learned in the last 48 hours:
Lesson #1: Sometimes, the Crazy Grocery Store People Are Right
My fellow New Englanders and I enjoy mocking all the crazed DC french toast enthusiasts who relieve the Harris Teeter of its entire egg/milk/bread supply in the 24 hours before even the slightest flurry. But seeing as how I was trapped in my boyfriend’s apartment for 36 hours this weekend with no hope of rescue, it turns out the crazies might have a point. Lucky for me, said boyfriend is a chef. There was plenty of food. But imagine if there weren’t!!! I mean, what would I have done about my boredom eating?
Lesson #2: Uggs Are NOT Snow Boots
Uggs are many things. Comfy, warm, remarkably unattractive, worn frequently by teenagers with their miniskirts on the hottest day of summer in an effort to enrage me. They are also $150. What they are NOT? Is snow boots. Trust.
Lesson #3: Snow Only Covers Poo, It Does Not Vaporize It
No one, and I mean no one, cleans up their dog’s crap when they walk it in the snow. Is that some sort of unspoken pet owner code? Like, “well, we have to walk these nasty mongrels in a damn blizzard, so no way am I picking up any poops. Just no.”
Lesson #4: Booze Can Solve All Your Problems
The snow wouldn’t stop for several more hours, but things really warmed up in our house when I remembered about that full bottle of Jack Daniels in the liquor cabinet.
Lesson #5: SUVs Don’t Mean ANYTHING
People who drive SUVs are some of the biggest idiots you’ll ever meet. As a reasonable, sensible, intelligent person, I think “well 4 wheel drive would be nice, but it sure won’t help me in a damn blizzard with five-foot snow drifts.” An SUV driver on the other hand, will say “Bizzard? WHAT blizzard? I can drive 90 mph la la la, four wheel drive, la la laaaa!” (crash)
Lesson #6: Putting Your Windshield Wipers Up In the Air Really Doesn’t Make a Difference Sometimes